ten years since.....

in a blink ten years passed some things never change like my heart although it maybe blind to the reality of change it's stuck in love Miss you always

It’s Fall of 2025

Once again , charlies cancer has returned. Chemo has been ordered- 4 sessions in the next 2 months. Next week will be the second session. The prostate cancer had jumped to the bone- the first bit of chemo seemed to have nipped it in the bud- but this summer seemed grim- however perfect the butterfly bushes filled in- the summer garden held many air Bee & Butterfly visitors yet none of my immediate family came / mom home suffering from hip pain & political malaise . The nights were fliied with an incessent cough, painful bones- blood transfusions and the kids thought I was projecting my negative vibes onto their father- yet I was merely looking for any sort of connection , or confirmation on my observations. No one else was consistently awakened in the middle of the night to hear the coughing, the pace of a 92 yr old. all I thought was it's back. Sure enough - did I summon this - NO. I did not cause this, nor can I control it . We moved the shop and the stress has been one after the next - yet somehow we get it done- the family is like a denim with the patch work strengthing the weakest zones... but I want to run away everyday- yet I don't. I sit thru the most heavy , stressful, uncomfortable moments- not just my sickly husband - but my elderly mother with her nasty hip and a most evil disposition. I tried showing up but the emotional abuse- I just shut down. This past week mom got a hip replacement- it was the first time I joined my sister in the city to support our mom in her updated version of self since july. Healing rehabilative Prayers to mom - More prayers to charlie - although the chemo seems to be doing the opposite of what it usually does. There is an appetite, a sense of betterment, weight gain and a healthy gate?!! Huh? The Dr.'s dont get it - one for the books. Just for today I rest in the things that make me happy. Standing barefoot next to my trees in our back yard- painting or practicing yang24 - making a pilates class in the middle of my day- or helping customers figure out their branding options & logo design. I don't have to worry about death - but I do. We all shed this shell at some point - I remind myself we r all connected and we r all eternal. I think about the many blessings that have touched my life and am forever greatful to the magical strawberry moments - like flower bud shells that resemble little bats and mysterious pebbles like crosses and x's that r my petrified tears - 100,000 eternal years beyond time - my spirit here - wrapped cozy in the cotton covers toe 2 toe - u never know - one moment to the next - life is a gift - maybe I talk about the past because I like to remember how I learned to navigate the city - I like to think I'm like Wendy from Peter Pan- but my heart is filled - like sand in a hour glass we flip it over to flow again

The Sceptical Chymist

Soul of the World! Inspir'd by thee,

The jarring Seeds of Matter did agree,

Thou didst the scatter'd Atoms bind,

Which, by thy Laws of true proportion join'd,

Made up of various Parts one perfect Harmony.

 `Henry Purcell

july 24

 it must be so hard to be of elder years... in ways we younger will only comprehend as we land-

even harder to be "THERE" for an elder....

especially when 

one. it is your very own independent mother

two. her mind is of youth but her architecture is in need of some attention & repair

three. unaware that the independence is shifting beyond grasp

four. does not want help

how does one help another, when one does not want it,

rejects it

makes no concessions

as if the mind would ignore the fact that walking has become almost void.

so then a wheelchair is introduced but if there is no one there to push it ( or work it )

what then?

very worrisome to watch, even more difficult to be the only one present- that dare speak upon observation, "don't shoot the messenger", I'm only here to assist you, this is not a booby trap-

 friendly note to me myself & I

you are not god

are you coming from a place of love?

you can not save anyone

we come in alone, we go out alone

the only person that helps yourself is yourself

you can bring the horse to water...... we all know what the next line reads here.

if nothing changes nothing changes

health is your wealth

I do not have to do anything I do not choose to do

so the messenger gets the hate, gets the struggle- and then gets to push the wheel chair....

but that is a choice, 

 praying it is one that is made NOT from a place of resentment - that would be a living hell- who wants to do that?

but knowing it is made from a place of love and understanding. That is a natural place of balance.

 Of course, forgiveness must be present cause only the lord knows how inner traumas, childhood emotional baggage can leave the burdens of a stagnant resentment ~ serves up nothing but walls of division and pure abandonment would be the only solution.

But what is wrong with that: when self-preservation is key to the healing of the soul, nothing is wrong with that method- the method of staying true to thyself - not helping , not engaging, not getting involved with all that old school baggage of guilt and blame- baiting is an old school tradition. It just is, so you can't blame relatives for not showing up; supposed they learned the flame is hot.?

I am no martyr- I just choose to live with my eyes wide open, treating people the way I would like to be treated. I may come off abrasive, working on the open mindedness where it counts, but all in all, perhaps I like to run my fingers thru the flame. Hot wax forms but it can be peeled off.

I look to live my life inside of my virtue which rests upon my dignity based upon my actions.

Certainly not my thoughts, OMG,,,,, my thoughts... 

In&OUtofbalance