bursting at the seems

Only those that have lived with a person with cancer- can fully understand the pure insanity I am feeling at this current moment. Or shall I say the past months. Just as things seemingly get "better" it is time for more shots- one to keep the masculine hormone at rest- being that ; the cancer feeds off of it- so one female hormone shot- thus a shot for the bone- wether it is because the cancer jumped to the bone or because the female hormone shot brings brittle bones... maybe both?!! These shots not only make walking difficult - they take away appetite and any quality of life. About 6 weeks ago One doctor did the routine sonogram of the prostate and must have hurt / hit something as the blood and clots were more the 5 pints.hindsite? this is what "THEY" said, thrown into an anemic state - danger level anemia.... an iron infusion was called to light. One would think this would have brought one strength or fortitude. NO - none of it. Not only was the Alleve and any other sort of NSAID null and voided out, which was the only thing helping the legs and hips- the pain killers "allowed" bring lazy daze & tears. The emotions come in like a rising tide to only leave grumpy damp realities - the heart wrenching reality- which if the coldness of my heart is what it is that keeps me from diving into the deepest well- that we are all dying. in some way shape or form. WHen one takes a vow - in sickness or health- for better or for worse - the vow to one another or the vow to oneself? The fine line of health and illness but to watch cancer dissolve the physical body- the spirit is all that can ride a tide of this sort. The shell of the man I once knew, my heart ossified years ago- yet, it does not change the purest friendship- it does not make it any easier to observe ; to the point where one becomes a mirror? Sickness sees sickness- i am bursting at the seams- the seems- the what haves and could bees. just for today- we pray. Hon Sha Ze SHo Nen- all night long when I am awake I say this over and over again in my head. My heart- Lord heal the world - heal this man- the father of our children.

go straight ahead gimme gimme Don't try to calm me down

FIGHT OR FLIGHT ROLL A PAIR A DICE

U F O

THIS IS WHERE I GO MOST EVERYDAY

https://all70sallday.com/listen/

DReams

The way they stick with you all day. WHen I was a teeneager- there was this one kid in the neighborhood - Adam. Whenever we saw eachother walking down the street- in opposite directions- we would share smiles. Then one day, walking up the stairs at my new school- he was exiting the cafeteria in his plaid pants & combat boots. OH MAN> WhaT- we were now at the same school!!!??? I didn't want to show my true feelings of exhiliration- but the mutual smiles exchanged said it all. ALl that is real life... and in real life, we did end up finally getting to know eachother in the Summer of '86- we shared a common story- divorced family life, our fathers in theater,etc... we also shared a few friends ,after all we were neighbors- it seemed odd that we never ended up in the same circle- but didn't matter much because the seperation of 6 degrees kept our common discussion green and fun. The night before last- My dreams were so bizarre- Nadia and Cey were there too, alongside Adam. They were the 3 amigos, coming to visit- A somewhat strained and unsure tone. After all my melancholia & depression from my husband's death had stripped me of any joy or expectations. This was the first time I was allowing anyone to visit- let alone my art room - want to say studio - checking out my art- which felt awkwardly exposed. My studio felt more like a bunch of shelves with a ton of of tchotchkes and paints collecting dust- very limited in my actual work. IN my mind- "NOT much to see here"! There was some small talk. Nadia had always been so territorial over her friendship with Adam - somewhat close to - "A relationship" with "jealousy" would feel like, rather then just a friendship- which had been noted for: even in wikipedia -HUH? But this is all apparently riding in my psyche.... Nadi was being much nicer to me then the last time I saw her - and truly was surprised they had reached out to come over. I kept close to my cloak & dagger, as I am never too sure where Nadia's toes are- and never want to step too close, and as far as Adam - didn't really want him to know the feelings were still alive in a dim light- cuz in my dream - we were both widows- and truly still drowning in the loss. I wondered if Cey & Nadia were using my "art work" as a way to meet with old friends- and perhaps a shared loss of husband and wife? I had left the main studio to answer the phone- and when I returned they were exiting the curtained room- And had to go. I felt like I missed something but kept my expectations low from the very beginning- I was so unsure what this was all about. Nadia was very nice and reminiscing about her late and great brother and how much he loved me. We all said our goodbyes. When they left , I went into the curtained area - I had not been in there since before my husband passed. All the cobwebs and forgotten Canvas- with my art works half finished- and I felt like a ghost visiting my memories - There were two individual pieces that were complete and left for forgotten. I was alittle bit relieved that there was actually something of promise - that after all Cey, the artist, himself, wouldn't think I was just some paint collecting imposter. LAter my cell phone rang- It was Cey and Adam- they wanted to come back soon- said Nadia wouldn't be able to make it but they definately wanted to make a firm date to not only comeback but to hang out. with me? Really!? whaT! I was thrilled , felt like a collab was in my soul. Werid how dreams float you thru the day....