go straight ahead gimme gimme Don't try to calm me down

FIGHT OR FLIGHT ROLL A PAIR A DICE

U F O

THIS IS WHERE I GO MOST EVERYDAY

https://all70sallday.com/listen/

DReams

The way they stick with you all day. WHen I was a teeneager- there was this one kid in the neighborhood - Adam. Whenever we saw eachother walking down the street- in opposite directions- we would share smiles. Then one day, walking up the stairs at my new school- he was exiting the cafeteria in his plaid pants & combat boots. OH MAN> WhaT- we were now at the same school!!!??? I didn't want to show my true feelings of exhiliration- but the mutual smiles exchanged said it all. ALl that is real life... and in real life, we did end up finally getting to know eachother in the Summer of '86- we shared a common story- divorced family life, our fathers in theater,etc... we also shared a few friends ,after all we were neighbors- it seemed odd that we never ended up in the same circle- but didn't matter much because the seperation of 6 degrees kept our common discussion green and fun. The night before last- My dreams were so bizarre- Nadia and Cey were there too, alongside Adam. They were the 3 amigos, coming to visit- A somewhat strained and unsure tone. After all my melancholia & depression from my husband's death had stripped me of any joy or expectations. This was the first time I was allowing anyone to visit- let alone my art room - want to say studio - checking out my art- which felt awkwardly exposed. My studio felt more like a bunch of shelves with a ton of of tchotchkes and paints collecting dust- very limited in my actual work. IN my mind- "NOT much to see here"! There was some small talk. Nadia had always been so territorial over her friendship with Adam - somewhat close to - "A relationship" with "jealousy" would feel like, rather then just a friendship- which had been noted for: even in wikipedia -HUH? But this is all apparently riding in my psyche.... Nadi was being much nicer to me then the last time I saw her - and truly was surprised they had reached out to come over. I kept close to my cloak & dagger, as I am never too sure where Nadia's toes are- and never want to step too close, and as far as Adam - didn't really want him to know the feelings were still alive in a dim light- cuz in my dream - we were both widows- and truly still drowning in the loss. I wondered if Cey & Nadia were using my "art work" as a way to meet with old friends- and perhaps a shared loss of husband and wife? I had left the main studio to answer the phone- and when I returned they were exiting the curtained room- And had to go. I felt like I missed something but kept my expectations low from the very beginning- I was so unsure what this was all about. Nadia was very nice and reminiscing about her late and great brother and how much he loved me. We all said our goodbyes. When they left , I went into the curtained area - I had not been in there since before my husband passed. All the cobwebs and forgotten Canvas- with my art works half finished- and I felt like a ghost visiting my memories - There were two individual pieces that were complete and left for forgotten. I was alittle bit relieved that there was actually something of promise - that after all Cey, the artist, himself, wouldn't think I was just some paint collecting imposter. LAter my cell phone rang- It was Cey and Adam- they wanted to come back soon- said Nadia wouldn't be able to make it but they definately wanted to make a firm date to not only comeback but to hang out. with me? Really!? whaT! I was thrilled , felt like a collab was in my soul. Werid how dreams float you thru the day....

de ill U shun elle

that is me. de ill U shun elle- ask my brother , ask my mother- maybe even my sister might agree. the memories I have as a child - the feelings that I experienced beyond my control as a really little girl; are what they are- technicolor. they have roots in my perception- I feel like I have a photographic memory- and that is what helps my recall occur/ attached to MY past. SO NOT concerned if it doesn't jibe to ur recall, cuz' you never seem to have one anyway- so really wtf does it matter- call me arrogant. Is it my fault I reminisce? if you don;t have a memory about our past- then how can u shut mine down ? not my mother, my step father , or my brother ever seem to embrace this part of me, they go harden/ draw blanks- reject and shun with silent - eye avoidance. In the entire picture of things how could any one understand if they personally did not experience it for themself? Like my mom's dad never left his wife - her entire life,till death they parted. SO how the heck would my mom even understand my perceptions as a little girl- my dad split when I was 3. Just as I would not know what it felt like to be my mom- a woman in her then twenties- when her husband, my dad, split. I am still married after 33 yrs, and it's been a rollercoaster ride- it's over then its back then its just friends- then it's Family- it's life, how shit goes down. To Each their own. The family is supposed to be a clan.... our's as awesome as it can be sometimes- is entirely splintered. That is a fact, and it is my very honesty that gets me in trouble every time. Honesty is my truth. MY TRUTH- maybe not yours. You know the classic cliche- everyone was in the auditorium listening to the one speaker- and everyone comes out to discuss what each one heard- and oddly enough it was very different from one another. I am not here to shut down anyone's memories. Nor would I ever try to compete for them either... we are all individuals with seperate and diverse angles. When does the child have permission to be a child , when the parent never wants to be the parent? FUcking bizarre. Beyond shunnning. I am shunned over and over again when I share my memories. I am really struggling with this inside the family dynamic. To the point where- personal death or never seeing any of them again would be ok with me.( that is this writting in dramatic vomitting at this moment- for I do know it is not my true feelings. just a storm of revulsion that is ridding it's very toxins from my rejected cells.) AND GUESS WHAT THIS TOO SHALL PASS> FK YOU BITCHEs.. just for this moment. and then the moment is gone, how every time I forget their lack of moral support-Life is good- love is present- I am blindly reminded - the fog evaporates from the rose colored lense. BLACK AND WHITE> just like the thumbs down emoji's my brother seems to be using as his voice- cuz most recently he is so eloquently unavailable. like water on duck's feathers. roll over, roll off,- but never drown in your own vomit

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