Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Me~ M¥∫élƒ ån∂ I............


I was Driving....
Thinking and Driving
As iƒ.....
ås îƒ my other self was sitting in the
passenger seat....
saying to me.myself and I
"OH BROTHER, Here she goes, slipping into the gray."
I was driving and I responded,
"HAH, YOU"RE SO RIGHT....aren;t you though.
The way my moods have seasons
nights and days,
How you saddle me
ride upon my shoulder....
always there.....no matter what mood I'm in.
How Do You Ever Put Up with the me in me...
I can be so FUN sometimes...and other times just a pure bore!"



I turned to the empty seat
and then back to the road
KNowING that I was being like
that friend you take to the club
(( back when I was 17, and going to clubs)))
that wants to leave as soon as you get there
because she's sensing your security and freedom
AND
She's feeling exactly the opposite...A BIG DOWNER...

or the other friend who tags along to the party
and decides to hate everyone you like to talk with~
leaving you second guessing and awkward just being you.

The baggage one has to carry when the other decides to slip
into heavy oblivion.





As I drove I could see the split of the
double within myself....
I could feel part of me in light
and the other part in the dark......



like a contrasting sky of lovely white puffy clouds
as the very background is DARk grey
heavy storms up on the horizon....

The majestic landscape holds my very soul's language



At times I can see the dark cloud
coming right for me
I know it's mine
My ALter EGo likes to get dark
my øther self~not so much~


My øther self rather enjoys the light
laughter and living freely....
much like the white puffy clouds....



This Ebb an Flow of My Ego
feeling like a butterfly
in need of perfect conditions to fly
It can;t be too cold or too hot
My éGO flutters two an fro
eagerly searching
it;s Fragile
self
it's shadow self....



If only I could master the intimate
integration
of the "oneness"
of the yin an yang within me......
If I could only burn as bright in the Day
as I do in the Dark˚....

KNowing how heavy This splintered center
of being
can become upon myself....
the very awareness is the beginning
of the change within......





MY SOUL IS MY FRIEND>
my shadow like peter pan
is my pal~ my friend
everyday it must put up with my moods
my pains my lessons
my advances
my lusts
my wonders
my quantum leaps
of willed futures......


~cAT

Sunday, May 9, 2010

It's Mother's Day, everyday really though.......



I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity.
~Eleanor Roosevelt


Being that Mother's Day has landed upon my Son's 10th birthday, today,
I feel overjoyed!
I am so not about these Hallmark celebrations. I mean, Mother;s day is
everyday to me.WELL!¿YEAH, SURE WHYNOT!
I like the fact that I can celebrate my son's life.
Now there's a reason to celebrate!

The Jehovahs
have something with the whole NOn-celebratory way of life.
( IN a way.)
Perhaps having had 4 kids -age ranging from 20 yr;s young
to 5 years old has me jaded¿
Maybe not, if anything , it has made me aware
of the consumerism in me and the disease of more the has potential in alot of us.
I have found that less is more. Unadhering , now there's a task.
Too much stuff leaves us displaced
and unappreciative of the things we already posses.
We become Much like frenzied sharks!


Perhaps "they" should move the holidays around, the way a
leap year works.
I do believe I would have more appreciation towards something
that didn;t seem to roll around far too often.
Birthdays are fine year to year.
A nice homemade meal

followed by
a yummy cake as per the birthday boys spec./s and whoever can
make it , makes it.

Actually, we can celebrate any day!!!


Like the Ice Cream truck that rings.....the first few times... it's novel
and scrounging for quarters frantically seems almost fun.
Until, the novelty wears thin , as does washing a pair of sticky hands
& chins to match.



It;s just the same , when listening to a Cd over and over again....you come to expect the
next song. The Radio can be refreshing as it delivers the unknown:
Although, you may know the song....lyrics and all,
it;s thaT you didn;t know it was coming!
It's ,totally, The lack of expectation.
The curiosity for the unknown.
It's refreshing to have a change of pace.
The expectation seems to ruin everything.
Like the whole gift giving thing,
my kids came to me~
They said,
"Mom, I didn't get you anything this year.But I got you this card!"


NICE!!!
I'm thinking....that;s cool. If you see something for someone and it yells their name
by all means....it's meant to be. But, why settle for something, "OH I FOUND YOU THIS
HORRIBLE SHIRT>>>AND ,you better not, DON:T RETURN IT>>BY ALL MEANS.......
~~THEY"LL KNOW YOU HATED IT~~
SO A WASTED 30DOLLARS SITS DEEP INSIDE THE DRAWER>>>
A gift card would be a better idea but then
how IMPERSONAL.?!
How about we just spend the time together and bake a nice
homemade cake.?!!
Forget the card, forget the gift.
Isn;t the gift IN the 'TIME' spent together¿!!


This Day ,10 years ago,
I woke up fearful that the Dr.'s
would have to induce labor and at 4;30pm ~
God
saw to it , Naturally~ my water broke
 By 728pm, I gave birth to Zeb.
No painkillers, all natural.
NOw that's an unexpected pAIN...YOU'LL
NEVER "KNOW"...UNless You have done it......((He was my second all natural birth
experience.))

Believe me the "knowing" somehow dissipates over time.
The inability to remember the pain alone
serves as a friendly sort of birth control.
Perhaps all mother's would walk with only one child.



I read somewhere that if a woman dare enter the Mans
world of Jewish Mysticism they would have to bare atleast 4 children
and be the ,minimum, age of 42 before She could begin her studies.
Somehow the multitasking,patience, (which I lack graciously)
and courage
it takes to shape young children into young adults
magically awakens a sort of longevity
in your personal & spiritual life.

If anything, on this Mother's day,I reflect in light....
my children are God's Divine Light,
sacred vessels in my life.
Delivering me life long lessons.
My Children have awakened a curiosity
within me. That life is what you make it.
My Father used to say to me,
"When your bored , it means your boring."

As little mirrors, they reflect my many faults and character defects.
They reflect my light and my dark.
Children are so free giving me love freely
in all the many colors we share as humans,
Allowing me to live and learn
always forgiving me and loving me anyway.
Showing me the way, through pains
of an acquired and attached elderly ego....that
only develops over time here in this material plane.


There are no guarantees that College will
land you thAT EXTRA SPECIAL JOB! or
That Married life will bring fulfillment
on every level,,,,
or that


Sunday MASS for the rest of your life will
have you living in Heaven for Eternity.....
that when you are born,
then you will grow, & then grow up, & then grow old
and then die ~that you will go live in heaven for
eternity........no guarantees,,,NOPE.


I'm having a hard enough time growing up
not particularly growing old, seems
good "OLD TIME" needs no helping me there.....
However, my curiosity keeps me young
my children keep me younger!
My fascination with the mere
24hours before me
keeps my thirst for living
in the moments alive.....
that either I choose to make the moments mine
or choose to let them go with the wind!
The chance of letting go,
perhaps Leaves the door of that given experience closed
4 ever.......


that essentially
ACKNOWLEDGING regret
will age me quicker then
walking through my fears of life's
circumstance ~
finding out
"it" was meant to be
((( whatever "it" was that was there waiting for me after all)))
Knowing that where I stand , looking out the window,
there must be a door somewhere too.

The curiosity of the unknown lures me along in this life of mine,
giving me much reverence for my children and living life on life;s terms.
If I stay home all the time and do nothing but shovel shit against the tide
day in an day out
I will never know who I am
or who I want to be when I grow up....
Nor will I learn life lessons....


As Annie Oakley Said, "Housework is work directly opposed to the possibility of human self-actualization.
~Ann Oakley~

HAPPY MOTHER"S DAY MOM!
I LOVE YOU.
THANK YOU FOR LIFE and showing me how
Perseverance and forgiveness
are so linked to the youth you Emanate.
and of course a thank you to my dad
whom without his part
Mom couldn;t have birthed me an my brother.