UNCOMFORTABLE

It's uncomfortable when you are in the circle but not of the circle, and even more uncomfortable to be excluded via eye contact in the circle of sharing. STanding in a group, listening eagerly- I hear and listen- why are "they" included via eye contact by the story teller but somehow I am not? or is it in my misperception-? There is no misperception when eye contact is not happening- especially when the others have it, are included in it & of it. I try to hold my strength because I am interested in the share, I try not to become sad inside-ignoring my feelings of exclusion- I continue to listen- & Authentically- in honest timing- when it is "MY" questions that show the interest and connectedness _ do I get the eye contact, Funny! Funny, mostly because the others don't have any questions at all. Stand strong within because it is in the shallow that my eyes are the deep end of the swimming pool. In all of my sem (as the tibetan's would call it - small mind) - I had a moment of Sem and entered rikpa-(spaciousness, quiet)- and then I had this idea that maybe it isn't about me at all. That perhaps I am so subliminally hyper indulgent it is disruptive and maybe even alittle inauthentic?!?L like a woman with too much make up- sometimes it comes off as offensive- perhaps I am just too much for some and this creates the need for boundaries - thus the no eye contact? maybe...Huh! who woulda thunk it... ya never know, maybe I do it to myself..... let me lozenger upon this... I'll get back to you. Talk about an uncomfortable realization. I will never actually know- and in that reality- it's time to learn to change this type of inner chatter- some things are just none of my business... how to remain true to myself- without living in edit mode.Now that's gonna take some time.... I'll ask my guardian angels to enlighten me.

Serge Gainsbourg Brigitte Bardot Bonnie Clyde Music V

Taking care of MOM

WOuldn't you know I got parking right in front of my brothers childhood best friend Kep.R. Good thru thursday- just the amount of time I need- Mom gets her cataracts removed tmw- I think she's nervous- I would be too- I thank the guardians in advance for making things like this flow smooth- pray for smooth transitions! I also thank the guardians from saving me from a flipping heart attack/ high blood pressure or some shit ~ To think I was visiting the endo this time last week- greatful that stupid RYZE mushroom coffee didn't kill me- but the compounded issue that my husband handed me a mucinex with D - thinking it was like zinc- something natural- had no clue- and throw that in with the RYZE & thus compounded yet again with an antibiotic on top of all of that- I was practically having a heart attack- Five days straight of high blood pressure- insane asylum type of panic- that nothing but visceral crying could only level me into a sort of exhausted slumber- when I could eat I felt like a lost person wondering thru the desert whom hadn't eaten for an eternity- starving - emaciated ` no way to bring my heart beat around to any kind of normal.... I was beginning to think I was never going to feel real life ever again- I am so careless to not understand what I am putting into my body. WOW- read the labels is all I am saying. I will never make this mistake again- I am going on day 4 back to back no episodes. So excited. Thank YOu angels for looking out for ME & My Mom.

422

xoox

p.s.