Every time that I look in the mirror

All these lines on my face getting clearer
The past is gone
Oh, it went by like dusk to dawn
Isn't that the way?

Everybody's got their dues in life to pay, oh, oh, oh
I know nobody knows
Where it comes and where it goes
I know it's everybody's sin
You got to lose to know how to win

Half my life's in books' written pages
Storing facts learned from fools and from sages
You view the earth

Oh, sing with me, this mournful dub
Sing with me, sing for a year
Sing for the laughter, and sing for the tear
Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away

Oh, sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laughter, and sing for the tear
Sing it with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away

Dream on
Dream on
I dream on
Dream a little, I'll dream on
Dream on
I dream on
I dream on

Dream a little, I'll dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
I'll dream on
Dream on
Dream on
I dream on

Aerosmith - Dream On (Official HD Video)

by a thread

The "golden thread" The unbroken, eternal connection between earthly life and the divine. 

Charlie holds on by his golden thread. He has surpassed what Hospice thought was 60 days - here we are headed into July. No one knows what the heavens plan - but more then ever the gift of the moment, however brutal or sweet; rests the lesson of life. 

Surreal landscapes- of life after death swirl around my minds eye.

The fairy tales of never never land, 

The spirit of love, support and eternal life

 My brother showed up.

I am grateful for all that he does.

Last summer I took mom around for her Hip replacement surgery- and I feel for him.

It's not easy working within NYC..... traffic, cab $- walkers and now wheel chairs.

Bottom line- my brother showed up-

I love my brother.

Family is hard sometimes. Imagine the historical ancestry and its very own baggage that is within the particles of my own particles. That my grandmother's mother was unfit- so our grandmother was raised by her grandmother. My grandmothers- grandma was her adoptive"mother"

not sure what that has to do with anything- but my mom was a middle child- what does that even mean.

Chemo and radiation is completed today- prayers that she can ease into her later years with ease and grace,

as my husband eases into the concept of death. His anxiety with not being able to breath has reached new heights, he keeps asking over & over - what to expect. I wonder will I be this scared to die too. I mean I am not sure if it is fear that I am reading from him, maybe I will ask him later. We talk about all of it, just never asked that specific question. It's more like when you "visit "me- make it a whopper. 

I'm just grateful my back is feeling alittle better, And my family just for today seems to be working together. I wish for only smooth transitions for everyone.

Just put down the rope when it feels like a tug of war. Imagine death is just the beginning of real life.

The after life is eternal. Our spirits are held in the shell of this body- only for a short while.

 there is no guarantee in today's life- cancer or no cancer

the gift of the moment-

the power of others discontent can be enough to throw a tiny pebble at your windshield 

my brother had committed to our mother's chemo treatments- of which the last two appointments land this week, of which all of a sudden he is no longer available.

Hospice is at my house , with my husband, and I do have feel utterly overwhelmed, when the expectation of my presence for my mother's final 2 appointments- seemingly rests on my shoulders. No wonder my back is in full spasm.

Is it the dilemma of my centered balance that I do not know who I am - if I were to tell my mother no.

Is it in the dilemma of my ego that I care what others "think" so If I do show up- that makes me a "great" person?

the dilemma of not fully understanding the full essence of my truth.

That I need to make a decision to be one person across the board.

My organic analysis- "The Spine" - THE UPRIGHT ATTITUDE, or Philosophy. How we "hold ourself upright" as a person (our posture) 'means' to the Body/Mind/Spirit Interface SELF-OPINION..which is determined by our basic philosphy in life. Anytime we experience trauma to that philosophy or the self-esteem it gives us, we may experience a sympathetic change in the spinal bones.. leading to a wide array of pains, spasms, nerve flow abnormalities and other problems. The holistic recommendation is Philosphic review.. Looking for my possible out of dated ideas about ourselves, that the trauma points-out.. as well as any SELF ESTEEM problems we may be having. it's about OPINION AND SELF ESTEEM that influences your posture in life. 

4 4

Hospice

 What is hospice exactly ?

Why do hospitals say one thing but do another?

Similar to a friend that has two faces- two voices -

One to your face and one behind your back

The lack of authenticity is where I feel failed- more so for my poor husband . The pain of cancer- bone cancer - the pain of hope and trust - that your own oncologist would avoid you just because the emotional connection was too strong to break your heart with the very fact that you have officially become terminal- it’s simply cruel . The lack of preparedness is only the tip of the iceberg . I don’t even know  ……: