Friday, September 25, 2015

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Watch and Pray...what does that MeaN?!

                                   The Whole Month Of August was always with DaD!
The time with him was awesome. We would venture off into the little town of Cambridge, Mass. Hang out in Radcliff Yard,
                                       

 playing frisbee,which was right across the street from my Dads work. 
Dad kept us on a very long leash , however, his spirit, was right on top of us.
There was no such thing as a helicopter parent back then. Times were different.
My perspective of life grew in the month of August.
As my brother and I would venture thru Harvard Square and spend hours in WordsWorth book store, my sense of quiet pondering , replaced the hustle and bustle of a quick thought process of the Greenwich Village streets in manhattan where my mom was raising us.

Perhaps it was Dad's acting, and need for quiet time to study his lines,
or that he was basically a single dude most of the time and
needed his elbow room.
But generally, ELbow rOOM is very Important for anyone.
I am like my Dad.
I remind myself there are those that need people around
24/7.
In that quiet elbow room
I found perspective.

I diverse......

The summer brought perspective 
on so many levels.
Outside pace slowed down in the
small town of Cambridge ,
and
my observations and sensory became
heightened & hypersensitive.
Observing people in the park, learning how to
read lips and body language was one
of my favorite past times.
Still is!


Observing animals, structures,  I become filled up ~
thus my person turns inward. Like a plant that takes
in the water slowly. The water/outside knowledge soaks thru to
my particles ~ lending to new growth on an inside level of my
being.
Comparing, contrasting, taking what I want from those around me,
and understanding thru others mannerisms of 
their body language & responses, what they embrace & what they 
reject. Trying to take note as to what  I want and
what I DO NOT wANt to be.

Wonder to myself. Is this Authentic behavior?

And As the summers with Dad came to an end,
and we all grew up and Life happened, 
this time for reflection and experience
comes in odd ways ~ as "adults life's" are filled
with all the grown up things that seemingly 
muffle any sort of new growth
or perspective for that matter;


In a routine lifestyle of a full time job,
and two adult boys still living at home and
two younger boys that are learning how
to flap their wings,
The rising tides of awareness rush in and thus subside into
barren salt flats.




The months of August very rarely bring many fruits, in my
later years.
Not sure if it was the essence of my fathers
spirit that bled thru fully saturating my entire being.
Soaked and basked in heightened levels of awareness,
however, being "older"
leading a full family life ~
holding strong in routine and structure
~seemingly simple and unchanging ~
 AnY type of new perspective is
somewhat similar to observing
an Iceberg melt.
?????!!!!?????
The Perspectives come upon long glances capsulated
in Time.




However, in these past 15 months,
Since my diagnosis with Grave's Disease,
my struggles have turned into experiences.
My experiences have brought me to new awareness.
To new Perspective.
Coincidence that this all came to me in the
sweet month of August? Huh?!! 
I wonder.
All I know is I am getting better.
Slowly by little I am getting better.





I was listening to NPR.(of course:what else is new!)
And this story about the 
high levels of the hormone Cortisol were
now considered 
the "FOLLOW THRU"for
 cheaters.
Wether you cheat on a test or a spouse.
Heightened levels of Cortisol were considered
responsible for the "Follow Thru" ~
where the thoughts now become the action.

Leaving the body in a heightened 
state of arousal. Which is Invigorating and
allows  release , thus the cortisol levels return to normal upon
completion of the task.





But say the Fight or Flight anxiety , cradled in the
elevated levels of Cortisol, are released
what happens when the follow thru is blocked?
The Distress or free floating anxiety,
does not provide an outlet 
thus the cortisol mechanism backfires.
Our survival as hunters and gatherers has become
sabotaged by this "routine" , sedentary digital age, 
lifestyle.



It;s so strange to me, as I became reintroduced with the 
FULL TIME work force , shortly thereafter,
I became sick.
I wasn;t sure if it was the ink from the printers.
THE Angst of working so closely
with my husband and
my 23 yr.old son, is now my boss
and mentor training me
in graphic design and sign making.
Like living in a salt water fish
tank,,,,
do realize how easily the
environment can become
imbalanced 
thus leaving a nice green algae
growing all over the glass??!!!

The imbalance of a salt water fish tank,
or a body or family life
or the endocrine system is 
something that shouldn;t be taken for
granted.

Never looked at it as an ebb and flow of hormones.
The fight or Flight  momentum of a customer
walking up to the shop door 
and me
thinking to myself
UGHHHHH
I want to run, unsure if I have the skills it takes
to "meet an greet"
the customer
if I can... if I will,,, If I EveN wanT to
 to collect information,
perform the task ,
and get the job done!
The anxiety that I can;t preform:
or god forbid have to Learn a skill......
did this "anxiety",
Push my biology , 

(which was perhaps already
looming upon a genetic default as
my father also has Hyperthyroidism.....)


that this stress was merely  the
Tipping Point?
Enough Anxiety
to catapult my body into a
state of oblivion.

Being on the mends~
hindsight is always 20/20.



The exhaustion that had taken over.
My mind was in a constant haze.
I mean I already struggle with
a dyslexic mind but this mental
fog was looming.
The marionette muscles that had become 
my " new" legs.
The double vision of an
autoimmune disorder~ which attacked the tissues
of my left eye 
pushing the eye off track,
causing a misalignment 
leaving me feeling ugly

and
unable to  have my eyes hold hands and work together
wearing eyeglasses with prisms
so I could see one of you,,,,,,

FIGHT OR FLIGHT?!

Until I heard this story on NPR
NO connections had been made
and now
the question was
WILL I FIGHT FOR MY HEALTH>
or just lay there 
slowly deteriorating?

My energy level was feeling more
like just laying there.

FLIGHT

But being 47,
it's just not right.
The sunshine of the summer
got up
inside of me.
My new found skills at work have 
brought me fulfillment of self
beyond just being a mother.
I wanted to be well,
to be better.

There were many levels 
that
if I were to Heal
I had to face head on.



FIGHT

The whole "food" thing must become a
a way of
life 
physically and mentally
thus spiritually.
I mean it was something I knew
and always considered myself
somewhat healthy,
but REALLY!!!!
!!!!OH BOOOY!!!!
What a Rude Awakening.

This Idea of Hormones 
becoming the DICTATOR within me.....
I began to wonder if the 
Thyroid and the Adrenals
had created
a form of CivilWar
inside my very own body?!!!
There must be a way
to bring peace within.

THE FOLLOW THRU 
momentum
was the only way!

Change is inevitable 
Choice is the Action 
This "AUGUST MIND" set in.
The Salt Flats became a sea
of ideas
intuition became
the New DICTATOR.

Deep down within us all
there's a book
that holds our sacred 
information.
And like a Wizard
with a really long beard....
I set forth
visualizing....
 tugging
on this beard of
knowledge....


my very own inner
wizard holding the
grandbook
of ME~


where all my sacred
particles know....
know the recipe of peace,
the recipe of HOW my 
chemistry went array
thus the particles know how
to untangle
& repair itself.....

The KNOW
The bird above the maze.
The book of particles.



Asking for help
intuitive help
a sort of prayer.

Beyond the need of my Endocrinologist.
I am not above medication
to set this right
the simple aid of Hormones
was a definite Need,
along with strong doses
of vitamin D,
50,000 units once a week,
along with the entire family of B's!
Primrose
Vitamin E
Prunella Herb
Seabuckthorn Berry Oil
Turmeric Milk
with Raw honey
LemonGrass
Vitamin C to break down and disperse
foods properly.....
Selenium
Iodine
Iron
Zinc
Magnesium
The months of prednisone ~ on and off~
The Steroid eye drops & ointments etc etc.....

but  What I am talking 
more about......
 The intuitive needs
in which 
the body requests.
HyperAwareness of what foods
brought me to my knees
that made my joints 
and muscles unable
to perform
HyperAwareness and the power
to make the choice Not to eat
those foods anymore.


There will be no more
gluten
Gluten
 is in everything!
UgH,,,,
which was completely 
depressing!
It took months for this reality to take Root
and
to own 
to be it.
The follow thru requires 
work
CHOICE
is
The "work"
turns out
 no longer to be "work".
Living 
in un managable conditions
became Work
The foods were
OBVIOUSLY connected
 to
feeling like holy hell~
that it just isn't even a question anymore.
The gut is the sanctuary to a healthy
body
thus a healthy mind.
Healthy Eyes.


Scientists have known for years
that elevated cortisol levels interfere with
learning and memory, lower immune
function and bone density, increased weight gain,
blood pressure,cholesterol, heart disease etc.......
Being this a whole new world
to explore
the mind becomes engaged
the task at hand becomes
the target
the follow thru
is forefront 


The other "idea" or perspective
 in which has sprouted from
this whole hormone imbalance
brought me to wonder....

If Cortisol is the FOLLOW THRU hormone
which brings a Thought thru to 
an actual 
Action
then
Is there a Hormone
 that
is responsible
for being
completely 
Anti-Social?

The NON- FOLLOW THRU 
Of sociaLizAtioN!???



I have become hyper aware of
this Anti-Social
blanket that
has completely 
enveloped me.


I have experienced isolation
I have experienced solitude (my favorite)
but this is different.
It's something my father has done for years.
He doesn't return calls.
Somewhat of a Shut In...
Finally reaching out when something in him
gives....
as a hermit crab
hides in his shell
and only comes out when he feels safe!??!!



I even know a bunch of people that have 
this similar
characteristic....
I;m not sure if it's an actual anxiety
that has come over me?!!
it doesn;t feel much like anxiety.
because it's a choice
I am well aware of
the "withdraw Mcgraw".



It' doesn;t feel much like depression.
Tired YEs.
but I do not answer the phone.....

I do not respond to texts.......

I do not partake in social medias
other then this blog.......

When I am around others
I am not Withdrawn


The need to speak on the
phone
I just prefer not to these days.

But in the back of my mind
I feel like I "should" care 
but the worry of losing friends
has been replaced with
A sort of
 a carefree oblivion

a complete disconnect.




the feeling of freedom
in knowing 
I do not have to explain myself
As if I am somewhere
else
has taken root.
Like on a long vacation
I will soon return from,,
Even still understanding the potential loss of
friends 
I take full responsibility 
I understand this perfectly well
It IS indeed ME,
I am missing .
However, I do not feel like
I am missing out.
I am still.
I am quiet.
I still have some crazy stressful days at work.
I still have people I see and speak to
in the isles of the market etc...
that I do not run from,
So I know I am present.
I have simply chosen to
withdraw,


I mean I believe I am feeling much better
thus I am typing
and acknowledging this behavior
However, unable to get the cart behind the
horse.
Is this new form of disconnect related to 
a hormonal imbalance?
Am I truly Happy
or completely depressed an miserable?
Am I merely a frequency Holder?


“Others, after the natural expansion that comes with growing up has run its course, lead an outwardly unremarkable, seemingly more passive and relatively uneventful existence. They are more inward looking by nature, and for them the outward movement into form is minimal. They would rather return home than go out. 

“Some of them find it hard to fit into this world. Some are lucky enough to find a protective niche where they can lead a relatively sheltered life, a job that provides them with a regular income or a small business of their own. 

"In past ages, they would probably have been called contemplatives. There is no place for them, it seems, in our contemporary civilization. On the arising new earth, however, their role is just as vital as that of the creators, the doers, the reformers. Their function is to anchor the frequency of the new consciousness on the planet. I call them frequency-holders. They are here to generate consciousness through the activities of daily life, through their interactions as well as through 'just being.' 

“In this way, they endow the seemingly insignificant with profound meaning. Their task is to bring spacious stillness into this world by being absolutely present in whatever they do. There is consciousness and therefore quality in what they do, even the simplest task. Their purpose is to do everything in a sacred manner. As each human being is an integral part of the collective human consciousness, they affect the world much more deeply than is visible on the surface of their lives." 

Eckhard Tolle - "A New Earth" 



Friday, September 11, 2015