damaged

Blonde Redhead - For the Damaged Coda from gui on Vimeo.

It is hard to comprehend the gravity of divorce upon a young girls heart, when you have grown up with both parents/ There is no way to know or even understand. I have heard that a young girls first love is with her father. So if he chooses to leave the family nest, the endless need for validation & of worthiness settles in. I have to say over time I had no question in my heart how much he really did love me. Loved us. He certainly healed me. He never spoke badly about our mom in front of me an my brother. I think that helped with our over all wellness. I honestly, do not believe the hope of PARENTS REUNITING ever goes away, although, perhaps, suppressed, the yearning IS ALWAYS THERE UP ON A SHELF. But growing up, maturing, shedding the denial, living in the acceptance - you see your parents getting on with their life. Actually dwelling in happiness, it radiates to all the family members. This picture was taken by my brother in the very parking lot my dad died in, 2 years later . They may have "revived" him but his brain was fried. "REVIVING HIM" served it's purpose- so we could all be with him when he passed over to the other side. This picture was right after his first stroke. I too was sick, but didn't know it yet. I was waking up with double vision every morning, a swollen eye and couldn't understand why. Thyroid EYe Disease was my prognosis. My dad ended up passing away from a pulmonary embolism. I look at this picture an I look into my sweet little daddies eyes. His Love is so immensely prominent. It floats me to look at this picture. Lately, I have been blogging about my dad because perhaps I am trying to heal from feeling his physical loss. I don't know. It doesn't matter. THe Physical condition is such a suffering burden , filled with status freaks, competitive money whores and false look at me bravadoes. It makes me so still. Still an quiet. My words show I may need to work on the denial in that statement. I am a work in progress. I've been told my honesty is awkward.

Happy BIrthday EVe DaD!!!!

The day I found out my dad was on life support and the prognosis did not look good, I had been asking my dad for a sign ~ to either go to Minnetonka or not...and as I arrived to work, I got out of my car, and directly above the entire shop, the sky was saturated with 100's of seagulls at all altitudes. Not really flying, rather gliding and wafting to and fro in some sort of air current. I knew immediately, without hesitation that I had to book my flight. My dads' spirit was hovering - waiting for us to be by his side. The very next morning I arrived at the airport several hours early, and noticed at my gate that there was a final call for Minneapolis- I asked if I could get on that flight and sure enough - If I took the emergency window seat, I would be able to arrive a full half day ahead of the original plan. As the plane filled up , one of the last people to sit down was a Pastor Deacon. He sat right next to me. We slowly got to talking and he said he remembered my dad in the Christmas Carol, among other productions at The Guthrie. He was returning from another country as his faith brings him around to help youths & the less fortunate. By the end of the flight, he asked if it would be ok if we held hands and say a prayer for dad. The flight gently landed , there was a sense of peace that no matter what, dad would be right where he was supposed to be. This Morning I was walking Alice around the block. I have been wondering about my feelings towards family circumstance the past few weeks. And often upon my walks , voices are clear in commune with. I know I have been somewhat passive aggressive thru my social media posts- in manners concerning the marriage of my father's widow bride to his best friend- a few weeks ago. I have been trying to understand my part in being cut out of all communication. My brother was told and invited. But I am not being included in the loop, perhaps it was that I did not attend My dads Funeral? My brother told me that all I missed was Dad's best friend made the eulogy. Funny Richard E, already had his tentacles around the family. I will never know, and when I do My Emotional Laundry, sorting it all out in all of it's lights, dark's and colors... I do understand all too well that it is not where I am supposed to be nor is it where I am even wanted. But the inner voice was clear. There were two gulls following me an Alice. Even Alice looked up at them gliding along our walk and She would look over at me. Made me smile. The Voice was Clear, Me an Dad had a talk, well rather my dad spoke to me,& I listened. Occasionally, I asked a question...but mostly, ON this eve of my father's birthday- he knows everything, he loves everyone an he wishes everyone well. All he wants me to do is follow his lead. As he always ever wanted for me. He taught me the love of spirit. He showed me the gentleness of authentic sources beyond any wallet would or could. We didn't NEED anything, we already had everything. My father was one of a kind. HIs NEED for STATUS was nill and void- NO money will ever replace his spirit, no glitter of jazzy white hair will ever come close to the type of music my father created with his imagination, his sketches or his oddity of complete self. His spirit is on fire in his sons, and his daughters forever. On the eve of Friday the Thirteenth 2019, a full moon weekend, no less. I know, the family knows what day it is. and we will forever be entangled wether we like it or not. SOmetimes I wonder if the hillbilly hate I inherited from my dad is in the lineage? It's such a weird thing. Love and Hate. SUch a Fine Line. But for today I take responsibility for my passive aggressive behaviours, I would only hope for compassion towards the things I do not understand and in that very reality I back away from feelings of exclusion and omission, that everything is ok. INside & OuT. Peace be with YoU and also with U.