It's uncomfortable when you are in the circle but not of the circle, and even more uncomfortable
to be excluded via eye contact in the circle of sharing.
STanding in a group, listening eagerly- I hear and listen-
why are "they" included via eye contact by the story teller but somehow I am not?
or is it in my misperception-?
There is no misperception when eye contact is not happening- especially when the others have it, are included in it & of it. I try to hold my strength because I am interested in the share, I try not to become sad inside-ignoring my feelings of exclusion- I continue to listen- & Authentically- in honest timing- when it is "MY" questions that show the interest and connectedness _ do I get the eye contact, Funny! Funny, mostly because the others don't have any questions at all. Stand strong within because it is in the shallow that my eyes are the deep end of the swimming pool.
In all of my sem (as the tibetan's would call it - small mind) - I had a moment of Sem and entered rikpa-(spaciousness, quiet)- and then I had this idea that maybe it isn't about me at all. That perhaps I am so subliminally hyper indulgent it is disruptive and maybe even alittle inauthentic?!?L like a woman with too much make up- sometimes it comes off as offensive- perhaps I am just too much for some and this creates the need for boundaries - thus the no eye contact? maybe...Huh! who woulda thunk it... ya never know, maybe I do it to myself..... let me lozenger upon this... I'll get back to you. Talk about an uncomfortable realization. I will never actually know- and in that reality- it's time to learn to change this type of inner chatter- some things are just none of my business... how to remain true to myself- without living in edit mode.Now that's gonna take some time.... I'll ask my guardian angels to enlighten me.
