There Are No words.....

I can;t really tell you what or why Philip Hoffman;s death has hit me so hard.
It seems so retarded , I just can't get over it. This winter has been embroidered with loss.
Is it the neighborhood of the physical or the emotional?
I grew up on Bethune St. Passed that building every single day of my childhood,
went to PS41 too.
My father was an actor, and it was weird when people would stop my Dad to tell
him how much they adored his performances/ his craft of Acting.
The identification I feel for this family hits me on so many different levels.
I have come to notice how annoying I AM that I always have to relate myself
personally to something that has nothing to do with me...
Please pardon my self centered needs.

Since Sunday, I wake up in the middle of the night
Wondering about Mimi O'Donnell ,or her kids....WHY?!!
Perhaps I am still dealing with our recent loss.?!

The neighborhood of my youth, or the neighborhood of my demons, because I too
struggled for years to the pains of addiction with two children in tow.

A year ago or so, I was standing in the middle of Washington Square Park and I saw
Philip. Familiar with theaters ~ he seemed to be headed in the Public Theatre Direction.
Yelling , like a crazy fan ,
"JONATHAN, JONATHAN JONATHAN!!!"
He turns around and I am literally jumping up an down
" I LOVE YOU !!!! < APPRECIATE ALL OF YOUR WORK!!!"
He nodded, like a Big NO.. somewhat disgruntled ... smirked, shaking his
head, (((((freak:he was probably thinking)))) and headed 
east, to the side of the Arch of Washington
Square Park.
OH ShiT!!!! I don;t think that was his name hahahaha , what an asshole I am~ 
I said to my son Matt. We laughed.

 A theatre man , like my dad. 
A Kid of an Actor , I relate to the kids.
A mother of several kids , I relate.
The Mind of an Addict, I relate.
It is the mental obsession that
owns you~ that is a spiritual malady
That dismantles a family for life
in only a few moments.....

When your family is blocks away from you
you sit in a bathroom,alone,
unknowingly taking your last breath.....

You could be in a room with hundreds of
friends/people an still feel alone.

We could have the world at our feet 
everything going for us
children that bring a meaning to our life beyond
profound
an still somehow the need
to escape 
comes
perhaps it goes....
In the worst case scenario ~
the need to escape
comes to borrow these lovely souls
 away .............
stolen 

 the power of love
for a beloved father'
is eternal
beyond anything physical 
it can never be stolen this love
but he has been stolen from our physical world.
Taken away too soon.

My heart melts ........
I am so sad for your loss Mimi O'Donnell , Cooper , Tallulah , & Willah
love to you ~ to look at your face in these pictures
daughter in arm and one by your side
hand to your sons face, they are so lucky to have you. 
It's just not fair.
We just lost our dog...a child of sorts, a family member in deed!! All of 15 1/2 yr.s
but really,
Seriously, I have no idea what it feels like to loose a husband, a father, a dad, a support, a friend.
I can;t imagine. 
All of my love and strength , I send to you an your children , & Philip's mom ~family.
God Bless you.

~Death is merely a pause in the conversation~
it just feels so dark at first
so quiet'

so final 



There are no words......