Watch and Pray...what does that MeaN?!

                                   The Whole Month Of August was always with DaD!
The time with him was awesome. We would venture off into the little town of Cambridge, Mass. Hang out in Radcliff Yard,
                                       

 playing frisbee,which was right across the street from my Dads work. 
Dad kept us on a very long leash , however, his spirit, was right on top of us.
There was no such thing as a helicopter parent back then. Times were different.
My perspective of life grew in the month of August.
As my brother and I would venture thru Harvard Square and spend hours in WordsWorth book store, my sense of quiet pondering , replaced the hustle and bustle of a quick thought process of the Greenwich Village streets in manhattan where my mom was raising us.

Perhaps it was Dad's acting, and need for quiet time to study his lines,

or that he was basically a single dude most of the time and

needed his elbow room.

But generally, ELbow rOOM is very Important for anyone.

I am like my Dad.

I remind myself there are those that need people around

24/7.

In that quiet elbow room

I found perspective.

I diverse......

The summer brought perspective 

on so many levels.

Outside pace slowed down in the

small town of Cambridge ,

and

my observations and sensory became

heightened & hypersensitive.

Observing people in the park, learning how to

read lips and body language was one

of my favorite past times.

Still is!

Observing animals, structures,  I become filled up ~

thus my person turns inward. Like a plant that takes

in the water slowly. The water/outside knowledge soaks thru to

my particles ~ lending to new growth on an inside level of my

being.

Comparing, contrasting, taking what I want from those around me,

and understanding thru others mannerisms of 

their body language & responses, what they embrace & what they 

reject. Trying to take note as to what  I want and

what I DO NOT wANt to be.

Wonder to myself. Is this Authentic behavior?

And As the summers with Dad came to an end,

and we all grew up and Life happened, 

this time for reflection and experience

comes in odd ways ~ as "adults life's" are filled

with all the grown up things that seemingly 

muffle any sort of new growth

or perspective for that matter;

In a routine lifestyle of a full time job,

and two adult boys still living at home and

two younger boys that are learning how

to flap their wings,

The rising tides of awareness rush in and thus subside into

barren salt flats.

The months of August very rarely bring many fruits, in my

later years.

Not sure if it was the essence of my fathers

spirit that bled thru fully saturating my entire being.

Soaked and basked in heightened levels of awareness,

however, being "older"

leading a full family life ~

holding strong in routine and structure

~seemingly simple and unchanging ~

 AnY type of new perspective is

somewhat similar to observing

an Iceberg melt.

?????!!!!?????

The Perspectives come upon long glances capsulated

in Time.

However, in these past 15 months,

Since my diagnosis with Grave's Disease,

my struggles have turned into experiences.

My experiences have brought me to new awareness.

To new Perspective.

Coincidence that this all came to me in the

sweet month of August? Huh?!! 

I wonder.

All I know is I am getting better.

Slowly by little I am getting better.

I was listening to NPR.(of course:what else is new!)

And this story about the 

high levels of the hormone Cortisol were

now considered 

the "FOLLOW THRU"for

 cheaters.

Wether you cheat on a test or a spouse.

Heightened levels of Cortisol were considered

responsible for the "Follow Thru" ~

where the thoughts now become the action.

Leaving the body in a heightened 

state of arousal. Which is Invigorating and

allows  release , thus the cortisol levels return to normal upon

completion of the task.

But say the Fight or Flight anxiety , cradled in the

elevated levels of Cortisol, are released

what happens when the follow thru is blocked?

The Distress or free floating anxiety,

does not provide an outlet 

thus the cortisol mechanism backfires.

Our survival as hunters and gatherers has become

sabotaged by this "routine" , sedentary digital age, 

lifestyle.

It;s so strange to me, as I became reintroduced with the 

FULL TIME work force , shortly thereafter,

I became sick.

I wasn;t sure if it was the ink from the printers.

THE Angst of working so closely

with my husband and

my 23 yr.old son, is now my boss

and mentor training me

in graphic design and sign making.

Like living in a salt water fish

tank,,,,

do realize how easily the

environment can become

imbalanced 

thus leaving a nice green algae

growing all over the glass??!!!

The imbalance of a salt water fish tank,

or a body or family life

or the endocrine system is 

something that shouldn;t be taken for

granted.

Never looked at it as an ebb and flow of hormones.

The fight or Flight  momentum of a customer

walking up to the shop door 

and me

thinking to myself

UGHHHHH

I want to run, unsure if I have the skills it takes

to "meet an greet"

the customer

if I can... if I will,,, If I EveN wanT to

 to collect information,

perform the task ,

and get the job done!

The anxiety that I can;t preform:

or god forbid have to Learn a skill......

did this "anxiety",

Push my biology , 

(which was perhaps already

looming upon a genetic default as

my father also has Hyperthyroidism.....)

that this stress was merely  the

Tipping Point?

Enough Anxiety

to catapult my body into a

state of oblivion.

Being on the mends~

hindsight is always 20/20.

The exhaustion that had taken over.

My mind was in a constant haze.

I mean I already struggle with

a dyslexic mind but this mental

fog was looming.

The marionette muscles that had become 

my " new" legs.

The double vision of an

autoimmune disorder~ which attacked the tissues

of my left eye 

pushing the eye off track,

causing a misalignment 

leaving me feeling ugly

and

unable to  have my eyes hold hands and work together

wearing eyeglasses with prisms

so I could see one of you,,,,,,

FIGHT OR FLIGHT?!

Until I heard this story on NPR

NO connections had been made

and now

the question was

WILL I FIGHT FOR MY HEALTH>

or just lay there 

slowly deteriorating?

My energy level was feeling more

like just laying there.

FLIGHT

But being 47,

it's just not right.

The sunshine of the summer

got up

inside of me.

My new found skills at work have 

brought me fulfillment of self

beyond just being a mother.

I wanted to be well,

to be better.

There were many levels 

that

if I were to Heal

I had to face head on.

FIGHT

The whole "food" thing must become a

a way of

life 

physically and mentally

thus spiritually.

I mean it was something I knew

and always considered myself

somewhat healthy,

but REALLY!!!!

!!!!OH BOOOY!!!!

What a Rude Awakening.

This Idea of Hormones 

becoming the DICTATOR within me.....

I began to wonder if the 

Thyroid and the Adrenals

had created

a form of CivilWar

inside my very own body?!!!

There must be a way

to bring peace within.

THE FOLLOW THRU 

momentum

was the only way!

Change is inevitable 

Choice is the Action 

This "AUGUST MIND" set in.

The Salt Flats became a sea

of ideas

intuition became

the New DICTATOR.

Deep down within us all

there's a book

that holds our sacred 

information.

And like a Wizard

with a really long beard....

I set forth

visualizing....

 tugging

on this beard of

knowledge....

my very own inner

wizard holding the

grandbook

of ME~

where all my sacred

particles know....

know the recipe of peace,

the recipe of HOW my 

chemistry went array

thus the particles know how

to untangle

& repair itself.....

The KNOW

The bird above the maze.

The book of particles.

Asking for help

intuitive help

a sort of prayer.

Beyond the need of my Endocrinologist.

I am not above medication

to set this right

the simple aid of Hormones

was a definite Need,

along with strong doses

of vitamin D,

50,000 units once a week,

along with the entire family of B's!

Primrose

Vitamin E

Prunella Herb

Seabuckthorn Berry Oil

Turmeric Milk

with Raw honey

LemonGrass

Vitamin C to break down and disperse

foods properly.....

Selenium

Iodine

Iron

Zinc

Magnesium

The months of prednisone ~ on and off~

The Steroid eye drops & ointments etc etc.....

but  What I am talking 

more about......

 The intuitive needs

in which 

the body requests.

HyperAwareness of what foods

brought me to my knees

that made my joints 

and muscles unable

to perform

HyperAwareness and the power

to make the choice Not to eat

those foods anymore.

There will be no more

gluten

Gluten

 is in everything!

UgH,,,,

which was completely 

depressing!

It took months for this reality to take Root

and

to own 

to be it.

The follow thru requires 

work

CHOICE

is

The "work"

turns out

 no longer to be "work".

Living 

in un managable conditions

became Work

The foods were

OBVIOUSLY connected

 to

feeling like holy hell~

that it just isn't even a question anymore.

The gut is the sanctuary to a healthy

body

thus a healthy mind.

Healthy Eyes.

Scientists have known for years

that elevated cortisol levels interfere with

learning and memory, lower immune

function and bone density, increased weight gain,

blood pressure,cholesterol, heart disease etc.......

Being this a whole new world

to explore

the mind becomes engaged

the task at hand becomes

the target

the follow thru

is forefront 

The other "idea" or perspective

 in which has sprouted from

this whole hormone imbalance

brought me to wonder....

If Cortisol is the FOLLOW THRU hormone

which brings a Thought thru to 

an actual 

Action

then

Is there a Hormone

 that

is responsible

for being

completely 

Anti-Social?

The NON- FOLLOW THRU 

Of sociaLizAtioN!???

I have become hyper aware of

this Anti-Social

blanket that

has completely 

enveloped me.

I have experienced isolation

I have experienced solitude (my favorite)

but this is different.

It's something my father has done for years.

He doesn't return calls.

Somewhat of a Shut In...

Finally reaching out when something in him

gives....

as a hermit crab

hides in his shell

and only comes out when he feels safe!??!!

I even know a bunch of people that have 

this similar

characteristic....

I;m not sure if it's an actual anxiety

that has come over me?!!

it doesn;t feel much like anxiety.

because it's a choice

I am well aware of

the "withdraw Mcgraw".

It' doesn;t feel much like depression.

Tired YEs.

but I do not answer the phone.....

I do not respond to texts.......

I do not partake in social medias

other then this blog.......

When I am around others

I am not Withdrawn

The need to speak on the

phone

I just prefer not to these days.

But in the back of my mind

I feel like I "should" care 

but the worry of losing friends

has been replaced with

A sort of

 a carefree oblivion

a complete disconnect.

the feeling of freedom

in knowing 

I do not have to explain myself

As if I am somewhere

else

has taken root.

Like on a long vacation

I will soon return from,,

Even still understanding the potential loss of

friends 

I take full responsibility 

I understand this perfectly well

It IS indeed ME,

I am missing .

However, I do not feel like

I am missing out.

I am still.

I am quiet.

I still have some crazy stressful days at work.

I still have people I see and speak to

in the isles of the market etc...

that I do not run from,

So I know I am present.

I have simply chosen to

withdraw,

I mean I believe I am feeling much better

thus I am typing

and acknowledging this behavior

However, unable to get the cart behind the

horse.

Is this new form of disconnect related to 

a hormonal imbalance?

Am I truly Happy

or completely depressed an miserable?

Am I merely a frequency Holder?

“Others, after the natural expansion that comes with growing up has run its course, lead an outwardly unremarkable, seemingly more passive and relatively uneventful existence. They are more inward looking by nature, and for them the outward movement into form is minimal. They would rather return home than go out. 

“Some of them find it hard to fit into this world. Some are lucky enough to find a protective niche where they can lead a relatively sheltered life, a job that provides them with a regular income or a small business of their own. 

"In past ages, they would probably have been called contemplatives. There is no place for them, it seems, in our contemporary civilization. On the arising new earth, however, their role is just as vital as that of the creators, the doers, the reformers. Their function is to anchor the frequency of the new consciousness on the planet. I call them frequency-holders. They are here to generate consciousness through the activities of daily life, through their interactions as well as through 'just being.' 

“In this way, they endow the seemingly insignificant with profound meaning. Their task is to bring spacious stillness into this world by being absolutely present in whatever they do. There is consciousness and therefore quality in what they do, even the simplest task. Their purpose is to do everything in a sacred manner. As each human being is an integral part of the collective human consciousness, they affect the world much more deeply than is visible on the surface of their lives." 

Eckhard Tolle - "A New Earth"