2 22 2022

I recently discovered someone from my past on instagram. Not just someone, but she was married to my father for a short time. She introduced me to so many things. My brother and I were basically schooled under her wing.It was so completely overwhelming, not only because I was struggling to accept my parents divorce- but because I had sincere trust issues. She took my comics away and gave me a book called The Secret Garden- I hated her for it, but slowly discovered the world of visualization. Looking back, I hated my disability perhaps more then her. I had reading comprehension problems and was in reading classes since first grade. I wonder if she knew that. I was forced to read the Gloria Vanderbuilt book of Ettiquette. From an adult's perspective, as I grew up it became more and more clear when I was in "life" how many times these tools came in handy- thus feel better about myself. WHen I was little, perhaps I was rude to her? Resentful and disgusting? Today, I can not express the gratitude I have for her- these sacred lessons that only now as an adult- could I possbily understand. These seeds, implemented within & upon me. The tools of a debutant, perhaps she had to muscle thru the same lessons, or perhaps she was so utterly disgusted with the white trash little darlings that we were- I literally thought she loved me. She was molding me. As a child , there is nothing more important that your parents, and when that is torn apart- I was a selfish little girl- I was unsure of the very ground I stood upon. I saw her as a big boobed, prim and proper catholic that loved good manners, her juice in a pitcher, her bulbs in beautiful white ceramic plates, her soaps that would truly melt in the hot water within one bath- and a nice night gown, a good book and tea at night. Her face had all the cremes one could buy and she always wanted to be a rock star. All these things became me- as I hit 16 yrs. old- ALL these things became mine. I felt like maybe she liked my brother more then me, being that during the week with mom, my brother would taunt and tease me- push me to extremes where the only way I knew to handle it was to attack his arm or hand like a cat, holding him with my nails - to get him to stop. My father would look at the marks in his arm and hand and they would ignore me the entire weekend - it was the worst kind of punishment. I still struggle with not feeling heard. SHe had a book about Marylin Monroe and they taught us how to play chess. The harsh part was She was getting all the phone calls for work , and my father -NOTHING> He became depressed, I think. She took me to my very first concert in central park, to see The Ramones. It was amazing, we were becoming friends. That's all I ever wanted, I already had a mother. I do not use her name, just out of respect. Upon finding her on Instagram- I was able to see her beautiful grandchild and some of her other photos, I also found the cousins that I had gained thru their marriage at the time. I adored them. Two brothers and and Sister. We had so much fun together. They introduced us to RUSH ! We loved Kiss, and Heart , ABBA too! The Waitresses and Talking Heads, Devo and the Ramones were her favorites. SO upon finding her, I wanted to share so much, but I made this collage instead and # tagged her first name. Perhaps I liked one too many photos, I am not sure, what I did wrong, but she made her account private . As an adult perhaps I can understand, but I can not. I push myself to wonder how or why she does not want to know me. But it is simple, she has a life. And maybe that chapter in her life was terrible? I don't know. But it was a chapter in my life that contained mortar for the building blocks of who I am today. She was there for me when my friend found out he had cancer. Her mother passed away from cancer. But that was just around the time they broke up, and I was to never see her again nor speak with her. I felt so bad inside when I signed back on to instagram to find the "door shut". I accept her need to be a private person. I just wish we could talk,of memories and all the things I learned from her, to share the love I still have for her. I have a child inside of me that stand still in the past. That has vivid and special memories- but they are mine. I must understand not everyone sees me as the little girl they left. I always feel like I turn people off. I wish I was more humble. I wish so many things. I guess I just want to be loved? I don;t know. I ended up requesting to be her friend thus I chickened out and took my request back - and then to be a real weirdo- I blocked her. Not like she wants to look at my photos? Not like she wants to know me, after all in the catholic religion, once your marriage is annuled it is like it never happened. How can someone do that, either way, As hard a time it was for me- maybe even for her too- I cherish the hardships, those are the rubber to pavement moments - in the hardship is the true growth- as well as the good times , the dog they had, I cherish all of it. Good , bad, the white trash turned to a pearl. Thank you for the lessons, of who I am - who I want to be and how I want to treat people. Thanks .