4 4

 

Hospice

 What is hospice exactly ?

Why do hospitals say one thing but do another?

Similar to a friend that has two faces- two voices -

One to your face and one behind your back

The lack of authenticity is where I feel failed- more so for my poor husband . The pain of cancer- bone cancer - the pain of hope and trust - that your own oncologist would avoid you just because the emotional connection was too strong to break your heart with the very fact that you have officially become terminal- it’s simply cruel . The lack of preparedness is only the tip of the iceberg . I don’t even know  ……:

The TO DO List...... en

 everyone has an idea for themself- what life is

what death is-

how many times I try to tell my mom how she should be doing her life- meanwhile, she has life under wing in experiences I will never be aware of as I am NOT HER, but one day I will be her age.....

My father left us when I was 3yrs old. How should she understand perspectives on divorce when her parents remained married - until first, gramps died and then some 20 yrs later , grandma died.

What gives one a deeper perspective may NOT for another. Who's to say?! 

I know how I felt after watching the Tibetan Book of the Dead Documentary, and what experience I had when my father died. How I was treated in the room, as his body rest in peace still warm, waiting for us to say our goodbyes, so they could put him into the human drawer awaiting the nexxt steps of the final unpacking of his suitcase officially evicting my father's soul from his physical shell. My perspective may have been too heavy for them, or offensive, or straight up corny. I don't really care but I guess I must if I write about it; I just know how he visited me & how I decided to share it- as I whispered to Dad, "No. I'd rather not , they will think I'm making this up!" and sure enough- that's how it happened. I followed my father's request - that was what I could do for him. They looked at me like "UR Nuts".....

NO ONE POINT OF VIEW IS BETTER OR "MORE CORRECT" THEN THE OTHER.

Each person has a right to believe what they want, what they are capable, what they experience... as I type this it feels like I have to give myself permission- like SIGN HERE, you consent. YES I DO> while most do not even have a perception or a "take" on such things. EYES WIDE SHUT>

Coming into a new chapter of end of life lawyers , the potential family collisions- the potential Family healing - why not include or project a positive here.... it's not death that I fear , it's the family drama that may occur from joining up the loose ends. My mother was recently diagnosed with lung cancer , as this rides parallel with my husband's on going fight for his life with bone cancer. At this point I don't even know which way to turn, Left or Right Or maybe just go straight ahead. I said to my brother, let;s get a lawyer to be the executor of moms estate.... you could see the text "writting" and stopping etc etc..... thus I got nothing- so at this point I can't say what he thinks of that. And how to interpret that is pointless. I got nothing, I want nothing, And I really want for absolutely nothing. I hate conflict of any sort! Praying we have grown past this behavior , however the worst one amongst sibling conflict- was Once upon a time back in Cali, very many years ago- the idea of someone speaking their perspective- I got bulldozed and cancelled leaving the last few days of that visit smelling like dead fish and no one was about to clean it up. My mother even abandoned me on that particular situation, not the first time either......- so this is why I fear the entire masterpiece of the end of life TO DO LIST. But isn't that the school of life for ya ? No one can do my homework for me- so I trudge along, & just want to be done with all of it. Call the lawyer- get the accounts settled and the decisions made. Let's get on with life after death- or death after life........whatever - because when I observe my mom or others around me- how much are we truly living when you just sit on your phone all day scrolling and trolling?

 My time is sacred, I go to work, I take care of my responsibilities, and I am in love with my hobbies.... there's little time for little things. And conflict is not on my to do list, That's for sure.

Knowing my loved ones that have passed on from this particular plane of "life" are still with us-

we just forgot how to "see them", and if one cares to, just quiet yourself and LISTEN. Our beloveds that have passed over are here with us, in us , all around us. Always. Listening- Listen......

2/24/26

 xoox

 Silent night 

 the snow falls

Nothing but slow floating

Time

Silent tears soft steel

Bent fears fighting for life

Fuck cancer 

So many layers

Just started seeing the grass 

Back into hiding 

Beneath inches 

Years of damage 

No one can heal accept 

Except me 

The lord is testing us?

The waiting game

The endgame

The temptation 

The change of which none has occurred 

Beyond gray hair and a plucking guitar 

Singing fire on the mountain …..

A slow climb up hill

Is the name of the game….. 

And oh what a beautiful pasture it will be 

Of golden wheat fields 

Flexing in the wind

Soft steel flowers - and names signed in glowing fire ambers - time exposed film ——

Life will begin again -

the white room

in the white room 

im blind 

So bright , the white

 it blurs my mind 

my thoughts are my imagination or is it my imagination is my mind?

 the snow, hot bright-

 the cold burns my heart.

 observing a man become a ghost, 

 Am I just making it up, waking up.... am I waking up? 

 blinded by the no

 know 

NO 

the cold, 

I k NO w longer feel.... 

in the white room it's so quiet it's loud. 

 But I keep climbing, 

the white fuzz blurs my senses none of them are around....

 buzzing around in the white puffy clouds 

 like sharp glass particles 

cutting streaming down my cheeks 

beecoming the dust 

 the incessent humming.... 

blinds my minds eyes 

tears evaporate in my hands

 or

 is it in my head 

my heart like an ocean rising up..... 

a tidal wave fears cover me in the white foam 

which way is up or is it down 

in the white room am I standing or drowning 

is there nothing there, nothing left?

in the white room the snow glares the mirage of hope

~cbn

xxxx

2/2/2026

NOW THIS HERE IS WHAT I CALL A WINTER. Snow on the ground for a good long time! If the dog wasn't such a biter she would def. benefit from booties. Me, I love it. My friend Holly, she & I were waiting for this kind of Winter- but it never did come- alot of me knows it's her; smiling at me from the other side, like here ya go my friend! Yeh so what I'm delusional.... I do believe. She had this neat iron dragon that threw steam while it sat proudly atop her fire burning stove. Tai Chi is every Monday- We missed last week due to the awesome snow storm- but oh what a week it was- and then the reality of the full moon answered that for me. I've been mindfully engaging on instagram, as it hits triggers within that feed my demons- it is a balancing act, this here my broken filter. FUnny how the pendulum swings, after my dad left us as a family unit- I became mute. Shy was my underscore, and today- I like to share my opinion- but I know, it's just an opinion- like everybody has one- a bunch of @$$holes! Any kid that grew up in NYC knows the streets were our playground, especially right before ETAN PATZ- there was somewhat of a safe vibe.... I mean my eyes were always open---------------- The village neighborhood was our big adventure! US Kids, We SAW STUFF, DID STUFF, fucked up stuff, like beaming eggs at "fags"(terminology circa1980's) from the roof top or burned down piers, or watched hookers in cars. I mean it was everything, everywhere. Beaming snowballs at buses to the point where they would stop the bus and get out- as we took off running.The Bus wheels had huge chains! It was always a good winter growing up! Adrenalin was my drug of choice, until I found the real things. BUT just as drugs got worn out in well due time- the Adrenalin is also a luxury I can not afford. However, this death scroll, Police state vibe got up in me; So when I picked my son up at work the other day- I loosened my collar. So sick of these HAPPY ENDING SPAS all over the neighborhood- I placed comments on all the local spots wihtin the mile - and proceeded to delete them- all but one- I think I was moving from the living room to my bed and just forgot to do it.? The one comment I forgEt to delete happens to be for a client we do menu board edits for. She has 3 locations, & since the new year- she's been coming in with her price changes and updates- I did not know her location was also in Miller Place. When she comes into the shop she has 3 phones? Like a true pimp?! She used to wear no make up and be more natural, now she's smothered in heavy make up and being that we knew her 25+ yrs ago- as a waitress at the thai food restaurant - she was also in charge of signage for that place. I guess that's where she got my husbands cell..., huh?! REally [yes....I knew this, but yeh, ok.!!?!?!?! NEVER SAID A WORD> She texts him a screen shot at 900am sunday morning of my HANDY DANDY SPA COMMENT. REALLY- the adrenalin was off the hook- for so many reasons. Asks if she needs to talk to me, sure I'll talk to her. My husband just goes nuts- which in his sickly state- it leveled him as well. UGH. I am so over the illness. But I am so over being treated like this for years. WHO LEAVES A SICKLY SPOUSE? How Dare this sad woman come into my place of business, look at my breakfast or what I drink - making comments always- pushing her price on me- NO, you will pay what I am charging you. She is a bully, SHE HAS A SIDE. Can you imagine what she really deals with beyond her "holistic vibe"... all her acupuncture school talk....applause. SO full of shit, and the worst part is as usual, the boys- mostly #1 and #3 follow their fathers lead - coming down on me. If I wanted to hide I would have built an account with a false name etc.... She likes to hide behind the ACUPUNCTURE word now. So it is right next door to my sons job , but also nexxt door to Pilates- where I go most every single day- if not twice a day. As a city kid You see things most do not see, you smell it from a mile away- it was how I grew up, I can't help my timing. This weird dude is standing outside , chewing his gum a mile a minute- just outside of my sons job- the place is empty- mostly the entire mall is closed- except for the Chinese food and Acupuncture spot. PARTY HARDY AND THE CLEANERS are getting ready to close.... This dude's face is IN his phone, texting as fast as his mouth is chewing his gum... he's wearing all black and has glasses that make his eyes smaller. He's got a cocky vibe- he's amped up.... cuz he's nonstop with the gum and finger pace... This girl, asian girl, with Make Up just like "HER"- too much make up, tan cargo pants and white shirt, no coat- & zero degrees outside-- this young girl walks right past him- into the party hardy store. He finishes up his text, grabs his dick, spits his gum out - spits again-gross//// puts his phone in his left pocket and turns in the direction of the Acupuncture & chinese food spot- but there are these columns in my way..... if indeed he's going where I think he's going- sure enough- I have to back up , as my son is closing up shop- there's one last customer in there slowing things up. Had I stopped to get gas, I would have been saved from this entire full moon episode. I back up , no one is in the parking lot- and sure the fuck enough- he goes right into the SPA. AND I WILL SHARE MY OPINION, THIS WAS CERTAINLY NO ACUPUNCTURE CUSTOMER! I never raised a phone to complain about the SPA next door to the new shop, not once!
When they got shut down the first time- I was so confused how come they were allowed to reopen. These girls showing up , had this bizarre vibe like they were rock stars. Being delivered - the men, young men and elders too- going inside for a handy dandy job. Hey man, get your rocks off just get the fuck outta my neighborhood. Make a redlight district! It took Brookhaven County to get here 3 months later to bring a cease & desist. Finally. Foot Spa is officially closed, but I will tell you these mofos'still drive by in hopes... If you don't speak up nothing changes. And There's no one to blame except oneself. The whole pile on mom is the worst. The only thing I apologized for was perhaps I embarrassed Charlie or our Name? I'm not embarrassed. and even then what is he so upset about- yes we have a business we run- my name was attached to the comment of which I took down as soon as she asked. I call it like I see it. I owned my actions as hurtful and aggressive, but I can't stop feeling this way. People are taking advantage of these young girls and who knows what these sad,desperate men bring home to their wife or girlfriends? WHY DO I CARE- maybe I'm bored- Or I'm ready to bring the house down. AND I AM NOT DELUSIONAL.

Dreams two nights in a row

THE DREAMS the night before and then again LAST NIGHT..... a pirate movie, and then some sort of stormy vibrational boom that cracks windows and steals your entire body- ur brain and hearing dissappear amidst this overwhelming sonic vibration- to the point that the atmosphere brings forth a rain storm- much like the sound of an overhead hovering helicopter- but beyond that-\the vibrational pressure upon the chest - to the point of arthemia, and blindness. Absolutely terrifying. the night before was more adventurous- as far as having the treasure and keeping it moving forward beyond the clutches of the "bad guys". Rooms of white canvas curtains hanging, floating from the tallest , ceilings with windows like walls- your room had a hanging fire place with a roaring fire- how does one have this in an apartment- more like it should be in a house- you are not in your room- more like an aprtment wihtin an apartment- as the hudson river is flowing golden sunshine of summer like vibes, I guess the fireplace keeps you grounded when you are not traveling- as your motorcycle is also inside your room, no one is there- and I need to pee so bad- but feel so wrong to use your bathroom without your permission, I exit your room: continuing to look all around for a bathroom- the most massive, ceilings, windows, doors, my step grandfathers youngest girlfriend, Tony steps out from her "door' - she's on the phone and stunned to see me here - she is not warm, I say hi- need a restroom- she points and quickly retreats - using her phone as a way to avoid conversation. The metal treasures that I had tossed into the Hudson River, prior (to hide it from the bad guys- feeling like it was lost forever)- I was later tossed in too- terrified to drown with all my clothes on- I was so excited to find not only the treasure but the water was shallow- everything perfectly presevred - still in tact. Now All I had to do was swim across and somehow Find you.

Fire Horse

happy new year 2026! looking to do the opposite of what i want to do! sitting still is fun but i need alittle more adventure this year!?!