de ill U shun elle

that is me. de ill U shun elle- ask my brother , ask my mother- maybe even my sister might agree. the memories I have as a child - the feelings that I experienced beyond my control as a really little girl; are what they are- technicolor. they have roots in my perception- I feel like I have a photographic memory- and that is what helps my recall occur/ attached to MY past. SO NOT concerned if it doesn't jibe to ur recall, cuz' you never seem to have one anyway- so really wtf does it matter- call me arrogant. Is it my fault I reminisce? if you don;t have a memory about our past- then how can u shut mine down ? not my mother, my step father , or my brother ever seem to embrace this part of me, they go harden/ draw blanks- reject and shun with silent - eye avoidance. In the entire picture of things how could any one understand if they personally did not experience it for themself? Like my mom's dad never left his wife - her entire life,till death they parted. SO how the heck would my mom even understand my perceptions as a little girl- my dad split when I was 3. Just as I would not know what it felt like to be my mom- a woman in her then twenties- when her husband, my dad, split. I am still married after 33 yrs, and it's been a rollercoaster ride- it's over then its back then its just friends- then it's Family- it's life, how shit goes down. To Each their own. The family is supposed to be a clan.... our's as awesome as it can be sometimes- is entirely splintered. That is a fact, and it is my very honesty that gets me in trouble every time. Honesty is my truth. MY TRUTH- maybe not yours. You know the classic cliche- everyone was in the auditorium listening to the one speaker- and everyone comes out to discuss what each one heard- and oddly enough it was very different from one another. I am not here to shut down anyone's memories. Nor would I ever try to compete for them either... we are all individuals with seperate and diverse angles. When does the child have permission to be a child , when the parent never wants to be the parent? FUcking bizarre. Beyond shunnning. I am shunned over and over again when I share my memories. I am really struggling with this inside the family dynamic. To the point where- personal death or never seeing any of them again would be ok with me.( that is this writting in dramatic vomitting at this moment- for I do know it is not my true feelings. just a storm of revulsion that is ridding it's very toxins from my rejected cells.) AND GUESS WHAT THIS TOO SHALL PASS> FK YOU BITCHEs.. just for this moment. and then the moment is gone, how every time I forget their lack of moral support-Life is good- love is present- I am blindly reminded - the fog evaporates from the rose colored lense. BLACK AND WHITE> just like the thumbs down emoji's my brother seems to be using as his voice- cuz most recently he is so eloquently unavailable. like water on duck's feathers. roll over, roll off,- but never drown in your own vomit

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