Robin Givens

It was my first year at this new preppy private school called Mcburney. I was a 9th grader, in a new environment- always been hard for me to find my place amongst the many clicks and teams. Mcburney was a competitive school - the sports teams were serious- and the coaches made sure their athletes were close and driven. Well I guess that's irrelelvant because that makes sense for any competitive school- The whole Competitive vibe was never my scene. I love playing games- and my dad was definatly responsible for my athletic reverence. My mom raised me as a ballerina- so there was that.... but when it came to the guys checking out all the guys was a sort of sport in and of itself. I was liking this guy in my own grade- Mark Jerome. Well he liked me too! He was an original Mcburney student, starting in the 6thgrade- I was a "fresh"man- and so when Mark asked me to be his girlfriend- I said sure! Chris Peters had gotten kicked out- so that possibility dissolved and in a way, I was relieved, in a way, because Chris was a "bad boy"- I worked under his Mom, Tess', wing- at the book store, but as "bad" as the HighSchool Administrative;s said he was- I knew it couldn't be that BAD cuz' his mom Was GREAT! She helped me acclimate to the whole new world of Highschool-that job in the bookstore was a perfect hiding spot for me. Having Chris Peter's gone - All of a sudden a bunch of different "old timers" came forward as friendly and easy to get along with. There was Diane Nitray, Josh Barken, David Ownes, Jonathan Barnett- Sasha Waters-and Mark Jerome- they all were popular athletes or cheerleaders, but JUST KIDS. Mark was a freshman playing on the Varsity Basketball team - his entire life was basketball! I was the only girl that did not make the cheerleading squad cuz- I'm 99% sure - the Cheerleading Captain Pam- her boyfriend Harry M. - both seniors- he was making eyes at me in the stairway as classes changed. I thought he was so cute- well - too old for me- and too Much conflict....the competition was never anything I sought out- to me there was no competition. Maybe just another option? but getting back to the Freshmen locker room...... The Freshman locker room was on the second floor. Mine was next to Stephanie Givens- she was a grade ahead of me and a really talented, smart girl. Quiet, soft spoken & an excellent right guard. I was a guard too. I was trying to play basketball, but mostly I was a bench warmer. On the Court I became a super aggressive player & would foul out in like 5 minutes, which is so dyslexic of me- hahahahah..... I was the girl that made the basket but for the other team - yeh.:( BUT ANYWAY_ FRESH MAN LOCKER ROOM: Mark's locker came first- a few down was Stephanies and then mine- SO..... One day there was a Varisty Boys Basketball Game. It was a very Important game- I remember Mr.Dover told me to stay away from Mark until after the game. HAH!
SO basically, Mark scored the "last second" winning score & the crowd went wild. I was proud for sure... but seriously did not have any sort of perspective other then that was my boyfriend that won the game and can't wait to go do our homework together type deal. Everyone was trying to talk to him and I went on ahead, entered the hallway on the second floor- there is Stephanie and her drop dead gorgeous older sister Robin, looking at me, I think nothing of it truly, but they do not smile or even say hi. SO- as usual the vibe that makes me shy and turn in- I put my head down, & swiftly walked into the locker room- away from the very scary but pretty competitive vibe. I have to pass Mark's locker & out of the corner of my eye I see a whole bunch of "writing" on his locker - but I don't really look at it- Diane Nitray says,"Did you read Mark's Locker?" and as I walk over to read it - I hear voices out in the hallway- I scan quickly over the words- something about- You should dump your WHITE girlfriend and go out with someone more like me - did she mean black or varsity? > Because Mark's dad was white and his mom was black- SO WHAT-we didn't see the world like that- so wtf was she talking about - did she mean he's a varsity player so he should be playing with VARSITY chick like herself.... like I did not see this coming- Robin Givens was basically- opportunistically rubbing up on , like a snakey cat, the POPULAR VARSITY FRESHMAN THAT JUST WON THE GAME- Like dump ur girl and go out with someone equally as important. IMPORTANT DOES NOT = NICE. WHO DOES THIS? I WAS FLOORED_ Devastated_ and it didn't help that Stephanie was hardly phased by any of it. I thought she was my friend. Her sister outwardly attacked me- it was thought out, mean! I dislike saying it was racist- becaUse that in and of itself is racist. yOU GO WHERE YOU FOCUS. Mark always reassured me that he liked girls that were pretty inside and outside. Robin was not that. My trust was just starting to be built and now I was back to my old low self esteem- don't/won't ever fit in- feelings that I had struggled with since I was 3- not her fault - and I take responsibility for my part in it. Today I see her as she really was- and probably still is- A narcissist with a personality disorder- and a controlling mother that pimps out her daughter- I mean yes she has her own platform she created - maybe as thin as a sheet of ice- as thin as her genuitity is- BUT WHAT DO I KNOW- MY SHIT IS FROM 100YRS. AGO.I never knew her- never knew her.never even knew this chick that came at me? WHY: I was raised in the village- attended public school my whole life- We as a community were all just kids. That's how our parents raised us. JUST KIDS. BIG TRUTH HERE: My 6th grade experience was one of THE BULLY in full effect. NO longer JUST A KID- A JERK- Being that I acted on the coats of M.Drapkin _ no one forced me to be what I had become on my own- even if I was just mirroring someone else- I had no Idea the damage I was creating. Thru the dictation and utter obsession of my then BFF M.dRAPKIN - she baited me- hook, line and sinker- thru the entire gig of full force bully; predator-victimizer. Today I look back & hate everything she and I did to our classmates that year. Fully knowing what it is to bully and to be bullied I tell Ya! The 6th grade changed my life forever. My perspective of who I was and WHo I DO NOT WANT TO BE EVER AGAIN _ LIKE HITLER _ absolute hate- you know what they say about hurt people hurt people?!!!! WELL THAT WAS ME IN FULL EFFECT> and as far as the Drapkin sisters- They were dealing with their own demons- talk about fucked up mothers that won't let their kids see their father unless they pay up $$$.... My parents seemed mild compaired to the Drapkins; family wo's. But She and I caused alot of problems- not just for our classmates- we got a teacher fired- we were so fucked up. We destroyed property- M>Drapkin taught me how to put larger eggs into the smaller container and am so dyslexic and never connect the dots until after- We got busted for shop lifting- I had no idea why we were in trouble until the teacher showed me - You can Not put the large eggs in the smaller container and I was like WHY_ ahhhh becuase the larger eggs are more expensive OHHHHH wow I didn't think like that- maybe all the batteries I use to suck on - I always had bad learning problems/comprehension issues- The supermarket came to our school - cuz in 6th grade we were allowed to go shopping and then cook whole wheat pizza in the kitchwn there- a montessori school of sorts- City And Country on 12thst. HAD NO IDEA WE WERE BAD KIDS> AFter the 6th grade - It changed me forever, always treated everyone the same- I always felt like a minority in my own class- no one else's fault but mine. I have always been "colorblind"- My parents raised me with an open heart- and an open mind- not to mention shy people do not act the way Robin does/is! 3 YEARS LATER= NOW IN 9th GRADE - an anti-bully eyeballer I became- If I saw someone getting bullied- I was there to end it quickly- I had had a taste of it in 6th grade so I knew the fine line of where the bullies weaknesses lay and would expose them like when the sunshine disintegrates the vampire into dust. It worked - I was so happy to be somebodies savior if I couldn't be my own. ROBIN GIVENS WAS THAT PERSON- The MEAN GIRL- The Pretty Mean Girl- it's funny to me how this kind of person is so easliy victimized too- and please do not take this an twist it- No matter how much I dislike a person- no matter how wrong they treated me- I let that go- and just focus on the hope that this person change for the better- but unfortunately I either never stuck around to see the change or just let it go cuz it fulfilled nothing in my life / other then perpetuating being a victim which is not an option for me- I like to think I am not a member of the victim society eventhough I could def hold a chair there. And I do hope perhaps Robin has changed for the better TODAY> Would love to see if she recalls this event. Most likely NOT> Who's to say what their childhood was like- maybe like mine? I hold no ill reserve for this human being. But I do get a giggle whenever I see her on TV or whatever- like that "famous" chick bullied on me. Just recently I looked her up on instagram- I see people hating on her in the comments - firstly I am like YUP there it is- other people know her- the way I know her. but then again- she will be what she NEEDS TO BE with whoever you are cuz if YOU ARE SOMEBODY- Opportunist is one thing her mother trained her well in. Good Job RUthie- it's important to be nice- but to them it's more nice to be important. I hope you've changed - but somehow I don't think you have MS.ROBIN GIVENS SHE GIVENS ME THE GRACE TO RISE ABOVE CHILDISH AND RACIST WEAKNESS. Not that I believe she is racist- but she certainly is a good actress- she's got them all fooled. I wonder if Cosby got something from Ruthie to ensure Robin's future. All quality people and choices that surround her - what an experience- this life of ours. we are all human- we are all created from the same gold dust- did you know when there's a solar explosion the particles are gold?

death-

I am alive- I watch the world go by- I like to do my job- I love making things with my hands. I like to be still in the routine- I feel like that old lady - I saw in Italy- at the local Pizza place- she wakes up early and does her job every day- missing no days- even if she's sick- day in - day out she shows up- she's plain- she's content- she works hard to provide for her family- her community her pizza is the best pizza ever. Do you think she worries about missing out on life? what does life mean.....? life - death- death - life FOMO- fearofmissingout - is a man made mental sort of masturbation-- Mental masturbation- 'MM" - more an more I am aware of the dead end road of dreary thoughts- what a waste of energy- however! my imnagination- my imagination is a completely different type of mental exercise- UNLIKE'MM'- THE ACTIVITY OF CREATIVITY the activity to create the active being in the now- is living- I may not travel all around to feel like I am life in it's fullest devotion. bloom where you are planted. f- fully o- one in m- mothernature's o= o no diode am i.

Happy Birthday Dad!

I want to say- "wherever you are , Dad, Happy Birthday!" I'm not sure why I get all fluffed up when people get excited about their own birthdays- something about maybe a feeling of expectation fills the air- and I am SO ill equipped- handling the pressure of an unfullfilled expectation muddies my ability to perhaps tap into some sort of authentic "gift" or what not leaving me holding nothing to physically Give- but maybe just my time. Or to bake a cake or such. For my own particular birthday- I want for nothing--- need for nothing----look for nothing. I feel a slight smile on my face- that it is the date that marked my entrance onto this physical plane. Just that in itself is enough for me. How could it not be for others? lol....HUH? Acknowledged or not- I am ok. Funny how some will reach out the night before or the day after- lol what? It all is a bunch of horse manure. SO on this particular day- my dad had entered this physcial plane- but is no longer here - so does it even matter- because really- I think about him everyday- and I see him in everything all the time. So truly my dad is always close to me- in my head- in my heart- living thru my siblings and our children. Love you Dad. Sept 14 1938

the numbers are every where the passed 2 days

LIFTED BY THE HANDS OF ANGELS

It's summer 2023

This time last year, my husband- of 33+ years was battling cancer for the second time. The immense gratitude for all the prayers and support is beyond expression. Love is a roller coaster ride. INDEED< We have lost so many good people this past couple years- it's almost too unbearable to think about. But being"alive"- survivor's guilt? or what have you- the mirror that reflects back at me..... I am my Actions! proving all of the many choices I have made over my life time- brings me to my knees-wether my chararcter defects keep me at arms length from most everyone- like the chicken an the egg -which comes first-? my narrotic mind pushing most everyone away? My "Wendy Wheel" Of a Story tellers Imagination - the colorful misinterpretations and the way the part of my small mind believes these things- the way people's actions- mannerisms- words or there lack of- leave me reeling- or even better - the lack of my own communication skills ((((((((((((- WAIT_ that might be the issue- MY FILTER IS BROKEN_ so how much of it is really me and My HONESTY that keeps most away- like a nice bug repellent,IS THIS MY PART IN IT ALL?)))))))))?????? Last Summer when my husband's health took a turn- and I suddenly found myself- unable to multitask the world around me- suddenly paralyzed-by fear ? Or just STUCK? Cancer or CoVID? I no longer partake in any of the many things I used to do- wether it was the 24+ years of AA and my volunteer work there- or the few friends I kept up with - It seems more or less like anything on the outside world fell away & so did my interest to maintain any of it. This I only have myself to blame. I don;t appreciate that word- BLAME- how about I hold myself RESPONSIBLE for NOT MAINTAINING relationships, volunteer work, social scenarios-etc.... The love of routine, family life, the low maintenance that comes with this style of living seems to keep stress levels at a "managable" level. My new found love for Pilates has been huge in maintaining my own health- inside and outside. However, my imagination has always floated me! The hobbies that sustain me have been my felted critters, sewing, painting, logo design or just walking with my dog, & generally walking barefoot or plain old sitting in the back yard keeps me in real time. My love for my family- Mother Nature, my art work/hobbies- are all my spiritual glue. It's a blessing to see someone you love come thru the other side of chemo/cancer. I have heard it's easier to be the one that is sick rather then the one watching BUT I dont; Know about that. I don't think I would have done the chemo with so much Grace as Charlie did. I have watched cancer snatch away some of my closest relatives and friends this year. My friend Magda , "Nuni", had been battling cancer for many years. Magda was my babysitter when Suzannah was not available but sometimes they would babysit together. This was always fun! Suzannah had the loft with the bookshelf steps to get up- but not only were they stairs - they also served as mini apartments for dolls.... but Nuni had a really cool little sister, and her brothers were super cute and had the best slop ink graffiti pens you could ever lay your nostrils to. Recently, Magda and I maintained a connection- She knew Charlie was dealing with his second bout of cancer and Magda leaned on me when her Brother Geeby passed away from ALS> We both seemed to be on the same page as far as low profile, limited social media, and basic anti-social social club members! It truly is a huge loss - she helped me cope! Magda was a life long friend. But I truly believe- just because I do not get to "Physically "talk" to her anymore- doesn't mean she is not listening. I never stopped talking to her & hear & see her all around me. I just feel like this world is a strange place and most of the time I do not feel like I belong here. The many decisions that have to be made, there are only so many hours in one day. Thank God. Moving forward, things are always changing- wether it's within Mother Nature's dictation or a families need to stay a united front or a splinter of astroturf. The many seasons of my mind- my ability to maintain any kind of knowing for what rests beyond today- only elevates my anxiety- so I sit in today. Isn;t that the gift.? Sit quietly and breath- just for today there is no anger- no fear- no projection - yet my conditioned mind consistently visits that toxic place. A golden Cage and the pure luxury of thoughtless connectedness is where I prefer to be- most of the time. Is it fun to sit in a quiet library? the SIlence is the voice of many books - their language of incessent chatter.....