It's summer 2023

This time last year, my husband- of 33+ years was battling cancer for the second time. The immense gratitude for all the prayers and support is beyond expression. Love is a roller coaster ride. INDEED< We have lost so many good people this past couple years- it's almost too unbearable to think about. But being"alive"- survivor's guilt? or what have you- the mirror that reflects back at me..... I am my Actions! proving all of the many choices I have made over my life time- brings me to my knees-wether my chararcter defects keep me at arms length from most everyone- like the chicken an the egg -which comes first-? my narrotic mind pushing most everyone away? My "Wendy Wheel" Of a Story tellers Imagination - the colorful misinterpretations and the way the part of my small mind believes these things- the way people's actions- mannerisms- words or there lack of- leave me reeling- or even better - the lack of my own communication skills ((((((((((((- WAIT_ that might be the issue- MY FILTER IS BROKEN_ so how much of it is really me and My HONESTY that keeps most away- like a nice bug repellent,IS THIS MY PART IN IT ALL?)))))))))?????? Last Summer when my husband's health took a turn- and I suddenly found myself- unable to multitask the world around me- suddenly paralyzed-by fear ? Or just STUCK? Cancer or CoVID? I no longer partake in any of the many things I used to do- wether it was the 24+ years of AA and my volunteer work there- or the few friends I kept up with - It seems more or less like anything on the outside world fell away & so did my interest to maintain any of it. This I only have myself to blame. I don;t appreciate that word- BLAME- how about I hold myself RESPONSIBLE for NOT MAINTAINING relationships, volunteer work, social scenarios-etc.... The love of routine, family life, the low maintenance that comes with this style of living seems to keep stress levels at a "managable" level. My new found love for Pilates has been huge in maintaining my own health- inside and outside. However, my imagination has always floated me! The hobbies that sustain me have been my felted critters, sewing, painting, logo design or just walking with my dog, & generally walking barefoot or plain old sitting in the back yard keeps me in real time. My love for my family- Mother Nature, my art work/hobbies- are all my spiritual glue. It's a blessing to see someone you love come thru the other side of chemo/cancer. I have heard it's easier to be the one that is sick rather then the one watching BUT I dont; Know about that. I don't think I would have done the chemo with so much Grace as Charlie did. I have watched cancer snatch away some of my closest relatives and friends this year. My friend Magda , "Nuni", had been battling cancer for many years. Magda was my babysitter when Suzannah was not available but sometimes they would babysit together. This was always fun! Suzannah had the loft with the bookshelf steps to get up- but not only were they stairs - they also served as mini apartments for dolls.... but Nuni had a really cool little sister, and her brothers were super cute and had the best slop ink graffiti pens you could ever lay your nostrils to. Recently, Magda and I maintained a connection- She knew Charlie was dealing with his second bout of cancer and Magda leaned on me when her Brother Geeby passed away from ALS> We both seemed to be on the same page as far as low profile, limited social media, and basic anti-social social club members! It truly is a huge loss - she helped me cope! Magda was a life long friend. But I truly believe- just because I do not get to "Physically "talk" to her anymore- doesn't mean she is not listening. I never stopped talking to her & hear & see her all around me. I just feel like this world is a strange place and most of the time I do not feel like I belong here. The many decisions that have to be made, there are only so many hours in one day. Thank God. Moving forward, things are always changing- wether it's within Mother Nature's dictation or a families need to stay a united front or a splinter of astroturf. The many seasons of my mind- my ability to maintain any kind of knowing for what rests beyond today- only elevates my anxiety- so I sit in today. Isn;t that the gift.? Sit quietly and breath- just for today there is no anger- no fear- no projection - yet my conditioned mind consistently visits that toxic place. A golden Cage and the pure luxury of thoughtless connectedness is where I prefer to be- most of the time. Is it fun to sit in a quiet library? the SIlence is the voice of many books - their language of incessent chatter.....