bursting at the seems

Only those that have lived with a person with cancer- can fully understand the pure insanity I am feeling at this current moment. Or shall I say the past months. Just as things seemingly get "better" it is time for more shots- one to keep the masculine hormone at rest- being that ; the cancer feeds off of it- so one female hormone shot- thus a shot for the bone- wether it is because the cancer jumped to the bone or because the female hormone shot brings brittle bones... maybe both?!! These shots not only make walking difficult - they take away appetite and any quality of life. About 6 weeks ago One doctor did the routine sonogram of the prostate and must have hurt / hit something as the blood and clots were more the 5 pints.hindsite? this is what "THEY" said, thrown into an anemic state - danger level anemia.... an iron infusion was called to light. One would think this would have brought one strength or fortitude. NO - none of it. Not only was the Alleve and any other sort of NSAID null and voided out, which was the only thing helping the legs and hips- the pain killers "allowed" bring lazy daze & tears. The emotions come in like a rising tide to only leave grumpy damp realities - the heart wrenching reality- which if the coldness of my heart is what it is that keeps me from diving into the deepest well- that we are all dying. in some way shape or form. WHen one takes a vow - in sickness or health- for better or for worse - the vow to one another or the vow to oneself? The fine line of health and illness but to watch cancer dissolve the physical body- the spirit is all that can ride a tide of this sort. The shell of the man I once knew, my heart ossified years ago- yet, it does not change the purest friendship- it does not make it any easier to observe ; to the point where one becomes a mirror? Sickness sees sickness- i am bursting at the seams- the seems- the what haves and could bees. just for today- we pray. Hon Sha Ze SHo Nen- all night long when I am awake I say this over and over again in my head. My heart- Lord heal the world - heal this man- the father of our children.