Does anyone Care?

HOw does this woman, or any other congressional leader stay in power ,A BUNCH OF CROOKS ? ONe hand washes another, I GUESS. The idea of Billions of Dollars going to the Ukraine, BUT THE NAVY CAN'T GET FUNDING THEY REQUESTED? WHO IS RUNNING THE SHOW? People like Schumer and Pelosi just to name a few- these are the homes that people should be camped out front of demanding transparency..... SHAME ON YOU TAKERS. OY VEY>

Child Care Workers

Answer this for me.. HOW DOES AN ACTOR OR ATHLETE BECOME SOME SORT OF SUPER STAR- raking billions- How would it be if we made the individuals that put forth their personal best in Child Care - raising children- caring for our future, - raked in billions? WHy is everything so ass backwards. The way marketing goes - how could we flip the script?

Clouds for hair

To be a kid is light, like clouds for hair.Helps me to float upright. Eternity branching off into spirals, eternally climbing. hypersensitive. tougher then nails. both worlds= sweet bliss. growing up - oh HOw I miss thy youth. however eternally installed within my heart to have faith and not look back . To jump in . Into the fire, like wood burning a grand blaze.... brings upon a full force heart attack- Dear heavy weight sitting on my chest, you are just an illussion. Let my cloudy hair help me to dissapear, visit my friend, sannyford- oh dear. Deep seeded hands dig me up from the dark dungeon. plant me in the ground, lift me up, from my sleep. To live is just one big dream, To die would be light... puffy and light like dandelion hairs make a wish clouds for hair

2 22 2022

I recently discovered someone from my past on instagram. Not just someone, but she was married to my father for a short time. She introduced me to so many things. My brother and I were basically schooled under her wing.It was so completely overwhelming, not only because I was struggling to accept my parents divorce- but because I had sincere trust issues. She took my comics away and gave me a book called The Secret Garden- I hated her for it, but slowly discovered the world of visualization. Looking back, I hated my disability perhaps more then her. I had reading comprehension problems and was in reading classes since first grade. I wonder if she knew that. I was forced to read the Gloria Vanderbuilt book of Ettiquette. From an adult's perspective, as I grew up it became more and more clear when I was in "life" how many times these tools came in handy- thus feel better about myself. WHen I was little, perhaps I was rude to her? Resentful and disgusting? Today, I can not express the gratitude I have for her- these sacred lessons that only now as an adult- could I possbily understand. These seeds, implemented within & upon me. The tools of a debutant, perhaps she had to muscle thru the same lessons, or perhaps she was so utterly disgusted with the white trash little darlings that we were- I literally thought she loved me. She was molding me. As a child , there is nothing more important that your parents, and when that is torn apart- I was a selfish little girl- I was unsure of the very ground I stood upon. I saw her as a big boobed, prim and proper catholic that loved good manners, her juice in a pitcher, her bulbs in beautiful white ceramic plates, her soaps that would truly melt in the hot water within one bath- and a nice night gown, a good book and tea at night. Her face had all the cremes one could buy and she always wanted to be a rock star. All these things became me- as I hit 16 yrs. old- ALL these things became mine. I felt like maybe she liked my brother more then me, being that during the week with mom, my brother would taunt and tease me- push me to extremes where the only way I knew to handle it was to attack his arm or hand like a cat, holding him with my nails - to get him to stop. My father would look at the marks in his arm and hand and they would ignore me the entire weekend - it was the worst kind of punishment. I still struggle with not feeling heard. SHe had a book about Marylin Monroe and they taught us how to play chess. The harsh part was She was getting all the phone calls for work , and my father -NOTHING> He became depressed, I think. She took me to my very first concert in central park, to see The Ramones. It was amazing, we were becoming friends. That's all I ever wanted, I already had a mother. I do not use her name, just out of respect. Upon finding her on Instagram- I was able to see her beautiful grandchild and some of her other photos, I also found the cousins that I had gained thru their marriage at the time. I adored them. Two brothers and and Sister. We had so much fun together. They introduced us to RUSH ! We loved Kiss, and Heart , ABBA too! The Waitresses and Talking Heads, Devo and the Ramones were her favorites. SO upon finding her, I wanted to share so much, but I made this collage instead and # tagged her first name. Perhaps I liked one too many photos, I am not sure, what I did wrong, but she made her account private . As an adult perhaps I can understand, but I can not. I push myself to wonder how or why she does not want to know me. But it is simple, she has a life. And maybe that chapter in her life was terrible? I don't know. But it was a chapter in my life that contained mortar for the building blocks of who I am today. She was there for me when my friend found out he had cancer. Her mother passed away from cancer. But that was just around the time they broke up, and I was to never see her again nor speak with her. I felt so bad inside when I signed back on to instagram to find the "door shut". I accept her need to be a private person. I just wish we could talk,of memories and all the things I learned from her, to share the love I still have for her. I have a child inside of me that stand still in the past. That has vivid and special memories- but they are mine. I must understand not everyone sees me as the little girl they left. I always feel like I turn people off. I wish I was more humble. I wish so many things. I guess I just want to be loved? I don;t know. I ended up requesting to be her friend thus I chickened out and took my request back - and then to be a real weirdo- I blocked her. Not like she wants to look at my photos? Not like she wants to know me, after all in the catholic religion, once your marriage is annuled it is like it never happened. How can someone do that, either way, As hard a time it was for me- maybe even for her too- I cherish the hardships, those are the rubber to pavement moments - in the hardship is the true growth- as well as the good times , the dog they had, I cherish all of it. Good , bad, the white trash turned to a pearl. Thank you for the lessons, of who I am - who I want to be and how I want to treat people. Thanks .

Dear Diary......

You know what they say about hiding in plain site- the ultimate spot to hide is where everyone can see and yet goes unnoticed.... well what if a director / writer makes this most outrageous screen play and HBO picks it up where a cross gender highschool student and the rest of the Senior Class become this dudes ultimate porn dream... He gets to cast the hottest babes, and have them doing the most outrageous shit, like where the dad is a closet pedi and ends up screwing the new kid that's a dude but is also a chick in the ass..... I am watching this- like it has definatly happened to someone before- probably many people- but fuck- it is so real and like this is ok to put on tv???... It is weird ,too, that the director makes mini shorts about each episode - so the Actors , ahcum I mean the porn "stars" - "actorS" get to explain their characters and how they might relate to them. OMG- and this dude is getting away with it... The camera rides the titties - all up in the boners- the choking, the finger in the mouth,,,, it's hot but gross all at once. I can;t take it so I fast forward - I mean it is written to the T as far as stereo types go- sluts, jocks, fat girls that find themself thru sex ? - but of course they do, the good that comes from the rough,and the harsh? Is it because this is what works for this director/writter- shock value- and I guess the actors are freely participating.They Submit? I guess I am too cuz I watch it. I mean how hypocrtical am I -is this world! When We go after people like Jeffery Epstein or Heidi Fleiss but this guy because he is a flim writer/ maker who is literally doing the same shit in REAL TIME -The same in that he pays kids to do his sexy deeds right in front of a camera. Maybe Maxwell should release the tapes to HBO and they can slap it as acceptable? ok ok, wait stop me, those girls didn't want to be there doing that? The girls Maxwell found in florida they just found friends- that found other friends at highschool to go give some old man a massage for money... when you're an addict that is what you do right? It's justification- When you're an actor in a show is that justified, I guess so - you are hired to play a part? In creating this show... I wonder how old these actors feel- do they feel shy, nervous- do they like doing that in front of a bunch of people? are they of age? playing 18 year olds... I don't even know.... but what I was saying before is HBO is putting this out there and it is a popular show- Putting soft porn I MEAN YEH_ I watch it. I am absorbed with the mental asepcts of dudes that want to be chicks\ I do find it fascinating- not the sex part so much but more the psychological disorders - the sex part kind of gets exhasuting and hard pricks are ugly. Especially when they are shoved in your face. I guess some people like that sort of thing? and yet I continue to watch it, I do vibe with the struggling addict, having over 23 years sober- and the AA meetings, perhaps once upon a time I had an addiction to drugs & sex, and this show certainly puts forth the many abuses that come with such addictions- the worst being self loathing. But I am more wondering how- not why- but HOW Ghislane Maxwell gets punished for serving up young women- to old pervs- but a writer/ director can serve up actors and make them do naked shit in front of a lense with many people standing around "watching"- do they get hard or excited while they watch this filth?- I blush when I watch it- I fast forward when it makes me feel too "excited" maybe or is it uncomfortable? I haven't figured that out. It is what it is, it is insane that this is allowed? I guess because it is so close to home- it is over the top real. Or it brought me back to alot of shit I managed to survive. it is so bonkers- I look at pictures of this writer director- what is wrong with his eyes... who is this wacko anyway> I would love to ask him myself. Apparently he is a father> I didn't really take time to investigate him beyond a google picture. He is right up there with the other dude that used his scripts to get chicks outta their clothes and into bed with him - Gallo- I guess it's nothing new Really. But this shit is off the hook inappropriate. I admited I watch it, so that makes me an accomplice- They got my rating- I am guilty , My jaw is on the floor, I just find it interesting what a world of hypocrits an shady freaks we live amongst. I guess that includes myself, there are many variations and hues of shade. THAT"S FOR SURE> I guess I am obsessed and beyond my fear based judgment - a nerve has been hit, this guy has got my attention- no not the sex- it's the depth of the emotions and how there are two sides to the coin- as dark there is light- I choose to focus on the light- and the truth that we all had fucked up childhoods or maybe not but I found alot of myself in this show.... i am a walking contradiction.