Dear Diary......

You know what they say about hiding in plain site- the ultimate spot to hide is where everyone can see and yet goes unnoticed.... well what if a director / writer makes this most outrageous screen play and HBO picks it up where a cross gender highschool student and the rest of the Senior Class become this dudes ultimate porn dream... He gets to cast the hottest babes, and have them doing the most outrageous shit, like where the dad is a closet pedi and ends up screwing the new kid that's a dude but is also a chick in the ass..... I am watching this- like it has definatly happened to someone before- probably many people- but fuck- it is so real and like this is ok to put on tv???... It is weird ,too, that the director makes mini shorts about each episode - so the Actors , ahcum I mean the porn "stars" - "actorS" get to explain their characters and how they might relate to them. OMG- and this dude is getting away with it... The camera rides the titties - all up in the boners- the choking, the finger in the mouth,,,, it's hot but gross all at once. I can;t take it so I fast forward - I mean it is written to the T as far as stereo types go- sluts, jocks, fat girls that find themself thru sex ? - but of course they do, the good that comes from the rough,and the harsh? Is it because this is what works for this director/writter- shock value- and I guess the actors are freely participating.They Submit? I guess I am too cuz I watch it. I mean how hypocrtical am I -is this world! When We go after people like Jeffery Epstein or Heidi Fleiss but this guy because he is a flim writer/ maker who is literally doing the same shit in REAL TIME -The same in that he pays kids to do his sexy deeds right in front of a camera. Maybe Maxwell should release the tapes to HBO and they can slap it as acceptable? ok ok, wait stop me, those girls didn't want to be there doing that? The girls Maxwell found in florida they just found friends- that found other friends at highschool to go give some old man a massage for money... when you're an addict that is what you do right? It's justification- When you're an actor in a show is that justified, I guess so - you are hired to play a part? In creating this show... I wonder how old these actors feel- do they feel shy, nervous- do they like doing that in front of a bunch of people? are they of age? playing 18 year olds... I don't even know.... but what I was saying before is HBO is putting this out there and it is a popular show- Putting soft porn I MEAN YEH_ I watch it. I am absorbed with the mental asepcts of dudes that want to be chicks\ I do find it fascinating- not the sex part so much but more the psychological disorders - the sex part kind of gets exhasuting and hard pricks are ugly. Especially when they are shoved in your face. I guess some people like that sort of thing? and yet I continue to watch it, I do vibe with the struggling addict, having over 23 years sober- and the AA meetings, perhaps once upon a time I had an addiction to drugs & sex, and this show certainly puts forth the many abuses that come with such addictions- the worst being self loathing. But I am more wondering how- not why- but HOW Ghislane Maxwell gets punished for serving up young women- to old pervs- but a writer/ director can serve up actors and make them do naked shit in front of a lense with many people standing around "watching"- do they get hard or excited while they watch this filth?- I blush when I watch it- I fast forward when it makes me feel too "excited" maybe or is it uncomfortable? I haven't figured that out. It is what it is, it is insane that this is allowed? I guess because it is so close to home- it is over the top real. Or it brought me back to alot of shit I managed to survive. it is so bonkers- I look at pictures of this writer director- what is wrong with his eyes... who is this wacko anyway> I would love to ask him myself. Apparently he is a father> I didn't really take time to investigate him beyond a google picture. He is right up there with the other dude that used his scripts to get chicks outta their clothes and into bed with him - Gallo- I guess it's nothing new Really. But this shit is off the hook inappropriate. I admited I watch it, so that makes me an accomplice- They got my rating- I am guilty , My jaw is on the floor, I just find it interesting what a world of hypocrits an shady freaks we live amongst. I guess that includes myself, there are many variations and hues of shade. THAT"S FOR SURE> I guess I am obsessed and beyond my fear based judgment - a nerve has been hit, this guy has got my attention- no not the sex- it's the depth of the emotions and how there are two sides to the coin- as dark there is light- I choose to focus on the light- and the truth that we all had fucked up childhoods or maybe not but I found alot of myself in this show.... i am a walking contradiction.