draGOnFl¥

I heard this outrageous noise in the kitchen. Couldn;t ignore it any longer.
Went to look an see ~ sure enough this LARGE Dragonfly
was oblivious to the windows. Bumping ~ bAnginG, entangled in webbin;s....



I was able to steer her.....direct her outta the kitchen
OUt the door she went
and BOOM
she took a crash dive right into the pool.
Immediately, I was there to lift this divine creature to safety.



I watched her come to. She pushed all sorts of water from her odd brown mouth.
I could tell she was gonna be alright , 'cuz she had a tight grip on my finger.
I was able to move her to a Butterfly Bush twig.
She gave me permission to free her legs and head from the spider webs she
had acquired in the skylights of my kitchen.
Now that she was safe, I had motives....giggle....




I had made this promise to myself~
Last Summer, that dragonflies would be my muse for the summer of 2010...as Butterflies
had so graciously allowed me to capture their wonderful essence on
digital flux the summer of 2009.



My son , Miles, borrowed my camera...I scattered to get my cell phone ....
the pictures on that thing SUCK>>>>
so, instead I texted him at school. My camera was all the way up in his room
UGHHHHH>>>FREAKIN" KIDS.......
I ran off looking for my camera ~holding my breath~
thinking if She's still there when I get back ~the image was meant to be!




SO sure enough, this was the first Dragonfly picutres of 2010.
Just as I was getting too comfy ...Her arms did an ancient Kung FU like position...
one of protection....and just as I went in for another angle shot

AWAY SHE FLEW>>>>>
HOW AWESOME I FELT....I saved her and she gave me reason
to believe that the words you put out into the universe
DO COME TRUE!!!

Me~ M¥∫élƒ ån∂ I............

I was Driving....
Thinking and Driving
As iƒ.....
ås îƒ my other self was sitting in the
passenger seat....
saying to me.myself and I
"OH BROTHER, Here she goes, slipping into the gray."
I was driving and I responded,
"HAH, YOU"RE SO RIGHT....aren;t you though.
The way my moods have seasons
nights and days,
How you saddle me
ride upon my shoulder....
always there.....no matter what mood I'm in.
How Do You Ever Put Up with the me in me...
I can be so FUN sometimes...and other times just a pure bore!"



I turned to the empty seat
and then back to the road
KNowING that I was being like
that friend you take to the club
(( back when I was 17, and going to clubs)))
that wants to leave as soon as you get there
because she's sensing your security and freedom
AND
She's feeling exactly the opposite...A BIG DOWNER...

or the other friend who tags along to the party
and decides to hate everyone you like to talk with~
leaving you second guessing and awkward just being you.

The baggage one has to carry when the other decides to slip
into heavy oblivion.





As I drove I could see the split of the
double within myself....
I could feel part of me in light
and the other part in the dark......



like a contrasting sky of lovely white puffy clouds
as the very background is DARk grey
heavy storms up on the horizon....

The majestic landscape holds my very soul's language



At times I can see the dark cloud
coming right for me
I know it's mine
My ALter EGo likes to get dark
my øther self~not so much~


My øther self rather enjoys the light
laughter and living freely....
much like the white puffy clouds....



This Ebb an Flow of My Ego
feeling like a butterfly
in need of perfect conditions to fly
It can;t be too cold or too hot
My éGO flutters two an fro
eagerly searching
it;s Fragile
self
it's shadow self....



If only I could master the intimate
integration
of the "oneness"
of the yin an yang within me......
If I could only burn as bright in the Day
as I do in the Dark˚....

KNowing how heavy This splintered center
of being
can become upon myself....
the very awareness is the beginning
of the change within......





MY SOUL IS MY FRIEND>
my shadow like peter pan
is my pal~ my friend
everyday it must put up with my moods
my pains my lessons
my advances
my lusts
my wonders
my quantum leaps
of willed futures......


~cAT

It's Mother's Day, everyday really though.......

I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity.
~Eleanor Roosevelt


Being that Mother's Day has landed upon my Son's 10th birthday, today,
I feel overjoyed!
I am so not about these Hallmark celebrations. I mean, Mother;s day is
everyday to me.WELL!¿YEAH, SURE WHYNOT!
I like the fact that I can celebrate my son's life.
Now there's a reason to celebrate!

The Jehovahs
have something with the whole NOn-celebratory way of life.
( IN a way.)
Perhaps having had 4 kids -age ranging from 20 yr;s young
to 5 years old has me jaded¿
Maybe not, if anything , it has made me aware
of the consumerism in me and the disease of more the has potential in alot of us.
I have found that less is more. Unadhering , now there's a task.
Too much stuff leaves us displaced
and unappreciative of the things we already posses.
We become Much like frenzied sharks!


Perhaps "they" should move the holidays around, the way a
leap year works.
I do believe I would have more appreciation towards something
that didn;t seem to roll around far too often.
Birthdays are fine year to year.
A nice homemade meal

followed by
a yummy cake as per the birthday boys spec./s and whoever can
make it , makes it.

Actually, we can celebrate any day!!!


Like the Ice Cream truck that rings.....the first few times... it's novel
and scrounging for quarters frantically seems almost fun.
Until, the novelty wears thin , as does washing a pair of sticky hands
& chins to match.



It;s just the same , when listening to a Cd over and over again....you come to expect the
next song. The Radio can be refreshing as it delivers the unknown:
Although, you may know the song....lyrics and all,
it;s thaT you didn;t know it was coming!
It's ,totally, The lack of expectation.
The curiosity for the unknown.
It's refreshing to have a change of pace.
The expectation seems to ruin everything.
Like the whole gift giving thing,
my kids came to me~
They said,
"Mom, I didn't get you anything this year.But I got you this card!"


NICE!!!
I'm thinking....that;s cool. If you see something for someone and it yells their name
by all means....it's meant to be. But, why settle for something, "OH I FOUND YOU THIS
HORRIBLE SHIRT>>>AND ,you better not, DON:T RETURN IT>>BY ALL MEANS.......
~~THEY"LL KNOW YOU HATED IT~~
SO A WASTED 30DOLLARS SITS DEEP INSIDE THE DRAWER>>>
A gift card would be a better idea but then
how IMPERSONAL.?!
How about we just spend the time together and bake a nice
homemade cake.?!!
Forget the card, forget the gift.
Isn;t the gift IN the 'TIME' spent together¿!!


This Day ,10 years ago,
I woke up fearful that the Dr.'s
would have to induce labor and at 4;30pm ~
God
saw to it , Naturally~ my water broke
 By 728pm, I gave birth to Zeb.
No painkillers, all natural.
NOw that's an unexpected pAIN...YOU'LL
NEVER "KNOW"...UNless You have done it......((He was my second all natural birth
experience.))

Believe me the "knowing" somehow dissipates over time.
The inability to remember the pain alone
serves as a friendly sort of birth control.
Perhaps all mother's would walk with only one child.



I read somewhere that if a woman dare enter the Mans
world of Jewish Mysticism they would have to bare atleast 4 children
and be the ,minimum, age of 42 before She could begin her studies.
Somehow the multitasking,patience, (which I lack graciously)
and courage
it takes to shape young children into young adults
magically awakens a sort of longevity
in your personal & spiritual life.

If anything, on this Mother's day,I reflect in light....
my children are God's Divine Light,
sacred vessels in my life.
Delivering me life long lessons.
My Children have awakened a curiosity
within me. That life is what you make it.
My Father used to say to me,
"When your bored , it means your boring."

As little mirrors, they reflect my many faults and character defects.
They reflect my light and my dark.
Children are so free giving me love freely
in all the many colors we share as humans,
Allowing me to live and learn
always forgiving me and loving me anyway.
Showing me the way, through pains
of an acquired and attached elderly ego....that
only develops over time here in this material plane.


There are no guarantees that College will
land you thAT EXTRA SPECIAL JOB! or
That Married life will bring fulfillment
on every level,,,,
or that


Sunday MASS for the rest of your life will
have you living in Heaven for Eternity.....
that when you are born,
then you will grow, & then grow up, & then grow old
and then die ~that you will go live in heaven for
eternity........no guarantees,,,NOPE.


I'm having a hard enough time growing up
not particularly growing old, seems
good "OLD TIME" needs no helping me there.....
However, my curiosity keeps me young
my children keep me younger!
My fascination with the mere
24hours before me
keeps my thirst for living
in the moments alive.....
that either I choose to make the moments mine
or choose to let them go with the wind!
The chance of letting go,
perhaps Leaves the door of that given experience closed
4 ever.......


that essentially
ACKNOWLEDGING regret
will age me quicker then
walking through my fears of life's
circumstance ~
finding out
"it" was meant to be
((( whatever "it" was that was there waiting for me after all)))
Knowing that where I stand , looking out the window,
there must be a door somewhere too.

The curiosity of the unknown lures me along in this life of mine,
giving me much reverence for my children and living life on life;s terms.
If I stay home all the time and do nothing but shovel shit against the tide
day in an day out
I will never know who I am
or who I want to be when I grow up....
Nor will I learn life lessons....


As Annie Oakley Said, "Housework is work directly opposed to the possibility of human self-actualization.
~Ann Oakley~

HAPPY MOTHER"S DAY MOM!
I LOVE YOU.
THANK YOU FOR LIFE and showing me how
Perseverance and forgiveness
are so linked to the youth you Emanate.
and of course a thank you to my dad
whom without his part
Mom couldn;t have birthed me an my brother.

Mr.Wussters

Cheese ,one of many names, the kitten....

MR WUSSTERS....After spending a weekend hunting for a cat or kittens...unsuccessful.
My friend Laura, reassured my little guys that in a month a new liter of kittens held our promise. Well God must have heard our prayers...
That sunday night, the most peculiar thunder and crazy lightening...i was returning home from the CenterReach Meeting..when in the kitchen there was a baby gate up????

BABY GATE...we were past this stage ((( THANK GOD ))
but i knew when i saw all the boys hovered over a nest of blankets TWO little brother cats.
My oldest son had been shopping with his girlfriend. They saw someone walking around with a kitten. He asked them about it. They told him there were two left up front.
The brothers. It was meant to be to have the kittens that weekend,AFTERALL.





Kitten Cat,,,just about year ago


WHAT A LOVELY CAT>>>>>>

A lovely Mr Wussters,,,,he always knew when i was trying to do a photoshoot with him.
He was a purrrfect poser, till he got bored with me. He would yawn and move.


For months we struggled with names.
People seemed bothered that we couldn;t name them.
I was thinking what;s the rush....
they're gods creatures..and when a name finds them...our brains will transfer
them into words


WELL FIRST IT WAS VINCE AND CHEESE >>>>hmmmm....
i liked YIN AND YANG
oR BRAHMA AND SHAKTI
YAY NO >>>THE BOYS WERE AGAINST THAT...so

Cheese an Vince it was
i just thought for the more gray cat...he would be "GrA¥" to me
or chocolate..he had the chocolate tip tail and toes
and his brother had the white tip tail and boots to match...



now Chocolate or GRAY...he is the shy passive guy.
He got his ASS KICKED by the next door neighbors cat BLACKIE....
Scariest thing...he didnt move for two days...
So Cheese, (or Mr.Wussters.)
became his brothers protector.
They soon figured out to get up high and retreat to the fences or
our privacy wall was the best defense...
CLEVER BOYS....


I had hope and Faith that as they grew~ their need to go by the busy road would pass them up...Well, Curiousity killed the cat. Or he spent all his nine lives...???
or simply he learned what he was supposed to learn , his short loving time he spent with us. Or he taught us something about love and kindness while he so generously
touched our lives for the year we were gifted to know him.







He was innovative with his need to stay cool on a hot summer day, resting in the cold bathroom sink.


Mr. Wussters was the Alpha. No questions about it. He always laid ON TOP OF HIS BROTHER>>AH HUH!
He was the stronger cat. But when they were small kittens, he was the one that was always so scared. An Ant would have him retreat behind the TV. While Gray would investigate and reassure his brother it was just an Ant. So as Alpha as he was, he really was a scaredy cat. He seemed to grow out of it. Getting into fights with Blackie, the cat next door, and learning that he could scare the little Chuwawa beagel dog was one of his favorite things to do,,,,as of late.
What a neat cat. He had these really cool hairy tips on his ears...the very tip of his ears....like his own personal ELF EXTENSIONS...
kind of like a hawk or an Owl would upon their ears...
and when he would approach the door to go out
he couldn;t just go out
he had to bend and bow to the ground with his ears back as if the air
would enter his ears...or the vibration of the world~now exposed with an opening of the
door...he had to adjust..always with a bend an a bow...
and it wasn't even a windy day all the time...



In my material sadness, of his physical absence , i know he is an elf owl waiting for me, along with the other cats that have touched my life.
When i go to heaven they;ll call me the cat lady. There will be lot's of cats greeting me when i get there. I just know it.
Death always seems so final. But when my emotions settle, i always find in the calm light of my heart, they reside there. I can feel them anytime i want. I just can't touch their softest, most precious purring hairs.
I love you Mr. Wussters...see you again.
Ps..your brother cat is missing you too.

WE'RE ALL CHILDREN OF MOTHER NATURE

Growing up in a school with a hardy summer reading list~
The summer of 84', Emerson and Thoreau became my mentors.



Their words seemed to hold my truth, the way
a candle holds light.
They spoke my feelings.
They ignited a path I hadn't realized
I was already on
but now, looking back I can see it...
I was the candle
and they were the Match that lit the wick
lit me up 
They were source, the light
exposing the path....

It was an ongoing message I had been
writting about in essays for English
and
The American Dream Class.
Communication not Competition.....
Cooperation Vs. Competition



Maybe it was the cheerleaders that didn't pick me out of the line up
or the girl that told all the middle schoolers I was gay
and suddenly I had no friends...
to this day I wonder
how her words held such power.

I had no voice, I felt like a no one.
These events humbled me. I  felt the hard knocks of life
and  toughening me up.....it was necessary. Perhaps?

I became that quiet weird chick in the corner
that defended the "nerds".....
and next thing you know
I found a voice, I found Me.

I didn;t need a sport to define who I was or a Club to create me...
I found me in my reading,
I found myself in the Nature all around ~
wether it was up at the lake house in Hopatcong Nj.
starring at the massive body of water
which gave me a particular
"feeling"
or
everyother weekend while
visitng my dad,
looking out the window
of that greyhound bus
on the way to Cambridge Mass.
The landscapes stirred something
within me.



My eyes were spurred opened to that
"feeling"....
thus my physical became very
aware to the
connection it had with "The spirit"
of things,
that summer of 84'.
Through Emerson and Thoreau
and the death of my dear friend Kidon Bauman,
I found a reverence for self and spirit.
Emerson and Thoreau spoke of such holy, cherished respect
of their surroundings....


Like in Emerson's essay NATURE , he writes,

"Crossing a bare common, in snow puddles, at twilight, under a clouded sky, without having in my thoughts any occurrence of special good fortune, I have enjoyed a perfect exhilaration. I am glad to the brink of fear. In the woods too, a man casts off his years, as the snake his slough, and at what period soever of life, is always a child. In the woods, is perpetual youth. Within these plantations of God, a decorum and sanctity reign, a perennial festival is dressed, and the guest sees not how he should tire of them in a thousand years. In the woods, we return to reason and faith. There I feel that nothing can befall me in life, -- no disgrace, no calamity, (leaving me my eyes,) which nature cannot repair. Standing on the bare ground, -- my head bathed by the blithe air, and uplifted into infinite space, -- all mean egotism vanishes. I become a transparent eye-ball; I am nothing; I see all; the currents of the Universal Being circulate through me; I am part or particle of God. The name of the nearest friend sounds then foreign and accidental: to be brothers, to be acquaintances, -- master or servant, is then a trifle and a disturbance. I am the lover of uncontained and immortal beauty. In the wilderness, I find something more dear and connate than in streets or villages. In the tranquil landscape, and especially in the distant line of the horizon, man beholds somewhat as beautiful as his own nature. "


I love the line where he writes
IN THE WOODS IS PERPETUAL YOUTH....



This year, being the grand age of 42, I still hold the child like "silliness"
towards living things. Don;t get me wrong, I am fully aware
of my ability to be very negative and abit angry at times.

Thus the ebb and flow of mother nature
she's peaceful yet fiery and fierce...
placid and melancholy
holding the wonders of the
windy and contrasting sky


I am like Her many seasons....

I am like Her many reasons.....

To be childlike and see ALL people and cherish them
in all of their colors.....


To be childlike
to be free from ego
to be free from fear
to be free in spirit

We all are creatures of God.
Human Beings , all spiritual entities....

There is no race to get closer to God
There is no "class" that one can take to put you first in line
to meet God
wether you;re a Yogi meditating for three years in silence
or
A Cardinal at the Basilica in Italy,
a dude stuck in a cell on Rikers Island
or of a devout religious sect
following a complete discipline guideline in life...
a happy go lucky , free loving, pot smoking hippie
or perhaps a tangled web weaver.......
God does not discriminate
We are all of this kindred spirit
this kindred universe
You may or may not
even care to have a dialogue with God....
God is within us all
wether we see it or not
He is not more in some
and less in others....
and i feel sorry for those that
condescend...

We are equal...in spirit
but in a physical primal way
there is a pecking order, No doubt.

Unfortunately, we live on a very
competitive planet
~where we fight over our resources
~where we live in access
~where the disease of more has
most of
the human race forgetting
that less is more....

That all of our religions are so much alike
and yet Wars are raging
because
THEIR ONE RELIGION MUST BE THE RIGHT ONE????!!!!

Is this just the beauty of our dearest
Mother Nature
that she;s got each one of us thinking
that we are her favorite
while she whispers to us ALL the very same thing

WE ARE ALL HER FAVORITE....

Where the rich and famous think they're the chosen
ones
when, in fact, they're prisoners of their very own ego;s
their very own making.....

WE ARE ALL HER CHOSEN ONES

without the dark there would be no light
without the evil there would be no good

without our daily bread
there will be trespasses

I live in the light of love
that in all that i do

I embrace that I am forever learning
like a child.....





"The lover of nature is he whose inward and outward senses are still truly adjusted to each other; who has retained the spirit of infancy even into the era of manhood. His intercourse with heaven and earth, becomes part of his daily food. In the presence of nature, a wild delight runs through the man, in spite of real sorrows. Nature says, -- he is my creature, and maugre all his impertinent griefs, he shall be glad with me. Not the sun or the summer alone, but every hour and season yields its tribute of delight; for every hour and change corresponds to and authorizes a different state of the mind, from breathless noon to grimmest midnight. Nature is a setting that fits equally well a comic or a mourning piece. In good health, the air is a cordial of incredible virtue."




I rebel in my wild child delight of each lesson learned in this lifetime
to tears at times
to laughter in others
In some lessons I stumble
and fall into complete utter disgust
or morbid detachment.....

but like a child,
I brush myself off
and continue along the path....forgetting
what ever was the bother...

and as King Arthur once shared with his
Noble Knights
To run into the Woods
find your own path
and there you will find the Holy Grail.

WHAT:S IN YOUR FRIDGE?

As a mother of Four boys...ranging from the age of 20
right down to four...i am kept aware , very aware of what rests inside the fridge. When deficient i am quickly reminded.
It;s what we don't have or what i SHOULD have bought.
Leaving me to wonder is it evERRRr gonna be yummy
enough
or perhaps it's just the male need to always want what's not in the fridge.WHEN INFACT IT WAS, IT was just resting behind the HUGE OJ container....
HOw manY times i have come running to the call,
"I DON:T SEE IT< IT:S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!!"
thinking to myself that;s funny i just bought it today,
YES to find it was there all along.
Not sure if it's a Male thing to feel the need NOT to look behind items. Is it motherly to look too deep into the fridge?
I look at this picture and think where's her flip flops , i wear mine with my socks when it's cold out. NEVERMIND HEELs....OR should i think HEALS....
with the APRON....
like ~"Please let me serve you, HOney DEAR?"

Is that what it was like, I have a bag of my grandmother's Aprons .
After she passed ,we went through the kitchen, there was one drawer designated
for all of her Aprons. All of her Many Cooking MOoDs, enhanced by her Apron.
I was the only one that wanted them. No arguments there.
Her drawer.
A Sacred Right of passage?
She had four Kids too.
Were her needs met in the apron that fit so well?
Funny to think, should there have been a pair of Heels in that drawer?
And where is my Drawer. I have a Junk drawer.
Perhaps I should empty that drawer and make it my Grandmother's Aprons.
Would my deficient ways be filled up in her nutritious spirit that rested
in between the bow ties of her Aprons.
I miss My grandmother standing in her kitchen in her apron.

To bring reverence to my fridge.
To bring food for thought to the ones i love
like we are what we eat
It takes thought to eat right
It takes a moment to decide to make the choice
to go left or to TurN RiGhT
and in the end it really took about the same time
to cook a righteous meal
as it did to sit in a line going through Wendy's.

Tiny Windows expose WHOLE NEw WOrlds.....

Growing up in an apartment seemed abit confined....I mean it's not like you can go to your back porch , stretch your arms up and breath in the fresh air and savor your backyard view.
Well, atleast not from the apartment i grew up in.
Hardly!
I am finding out that being older and having a home in the "BURBS"....ONE can't pick one's neighbors and if your dog's pee makes spot's in "their" GREEN GRASS...just KNOW you will certainly hear about IT....BECAUSE DON'T YA KNOW....THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE......

IN Many ways i prefer the city life....
Your FLower beds can't be compaired , your dandelions and weeds don't need controlling
and your mailboxes are safe inside a wall...free from teenage angst and their baseball bats.

I remember the tiny windows held life's/ worlds ~that with a pair of good Binoculars could bring
me into quietly. YAY, ok alittle "REAR WINDOW", HITCHCOCK style....alittle Peeping Tom Style
but~ hey~ as a youth, adorned in innocence, i learned some stuff......

some not so much asked for, like sexual positions i never EVER would have guessed
and with that thought.....HMMMMM...putting my bed next to a window without a curtain
became an ingrained awareness......

I also learned that viewing people's cribs from penthouse balcony's
has you getting an entire building to close curtains on you
and shut the whole game down. SIGH.......

Ah the STUFF you can learn from dwelling in the city.
I think one of the most magical things that triggers my
curiousity....
is like the way the night sky holds thousands of tiny lights
millions of miles away.....
through the city at night, these lights emanate
a similar sense to me
~of tiny little worlds all around me..







Some apartments have their lights off
and others'
the warm lighting, or perhaps a fluorescent glow, the newer bulbs that have
a kind of generic flavor,
the brownstones with their larger windows allowing one to get a
taste of Decor.....
all these windows, holes within a tree....
boxes upon boxes of individual belonging
and yet all apart of one whole.....
where they can't bat eachother's mailboxes
and judge one anothers grassy weeds.....

I miss the city for my kids upbringing.
I do believe that a sense of one amongst many
has the EGo humbled in knowing
that you are not the only one...
When walking down the street you
are faced with diversity
forced to acknowledge
a self outside of onesself

and that a dandelion can be blown into
the wind
holding an individual wish
of hope
that if many could coexist in
the concrete Jungle
that perhaps the
SUBRUBANS
could learn how to
cherish One another's
differences... & Stop cutting down
all the tree's and spreading
toxic fertilizers......so the grass
can be greener.....and fencing in
what they think belongs to them
when in fact
it was here before us
and will be here after we're gone


because in all reality
she;s watching us silently......
it's her call how the Dandelion seeds
will fall
or rise for that matter~